Marriage in Danger?

Your marriage might be in real trouble (more than you suspect) if you have even 3 of these 11 danger signs...
 Many couples need guidance in identifying the specific problems they can tackle in improving their marriages or relationships. You might feel that "something is wrong" or something hurts or doesn't feel right, but you can't exactly put your finger on it. It can frequently be helpful to have something like a "danger signs" chart (like used in helping people diagnose cancer or other disorders). This kind of "chart" can help you pinpoint areas of pain or discomfort... and thus help know where to put your focus. Also, you might wonder whether you should just "ignore it and it will go away..." and could use some help in identifying areas or "danger signs" that are really significant (and shouldn't just "be ignored"). These are not minor complaints! Any single one of them could end up being the source of profound discomfort, even leading to thoughts of divorce! It's absolutely essential that you pay attention now and not later to these "danger signs." One of the biggest challenges (and most painful and sad experiences) I have had over my many years as a couples therapist is seeing good and wonderful people coming to therapy almost "too late," when they should have shown up years earlier. Sometimes it literally is too late! Don't let this happen to you. Review this list and see how many you discover apply to you in your marriage. You might be surprised. Use this Checklist to Find Out (I actually listed 12) 1. Even if you have "only" 3 of these areas, Your marriage definitely is in deep water and you are in serious trouble, headed for disaster, if you don't change things NOW) 2. You actually have started to dread coming home to your partner 3. You cringe when they talk to you because you predict it's always going to turn out painfully 4. There are so few things you can happily talk about by now that they could all fit in a thimble 5. The things you used to find appealing or charming about your spouse you now find irritating or even worse (even disgusting) 6. The things you used to do together that you thought were fun you either don't even do anymore or they really aren't fun anymore -- maybe it even hurts to do those things again 7. You feel your spouse doesn't even really like you anymore, or maybe even hates you 8. You are tempted to cheat, divorce, lie or misbehave in ways that you don't feel proud of and you just feel devastated it's come to this 9. You look at your spouse almost as an opponent or even an enemy when it comes to parenting, sex, finances or other important decisions. 10. You criticize or even humiliate your spouse (or they do to you) in public, with friends or at parties or get-togethers. 11. You develop a cynical, pessimistic attitude about whether anyone has a great marriage or if there is even such a thing or if other people have them; and look around you and see bad marriages (you have a filter against seeing the great ones) 12. You just have an empty dark, hollow feeling inside, not anything in particular, that your marriage is not what you expected in life; you are deep down, disappointed in marriage What you hoped for, prayed for and dreamed about being married and being with your soulmate seems to have completely died. How Many Of These Danger Signs Did You Check Off? 3 or more? If you have discovered you can identify at least three of these "danger signs," your marriage either is or soon will be in serious trouble! How do I know that? Because these are the things that people try to "blow off" and manage without addressing them... and that end up creating far more serious problems because of their cumulative power. Remember, a whole mountain is eroded over time by wind and a trickle of water. Deep canyons are formed over the years by a continuous erosion. Your marriage has the same possibility of erosion if you don't address the core issues. If So, I highly recommend that you get to work on your marriage!

Danger of Marriage Articles

When you first become a parent, you notice the 4,300 ways your child could meet an untimely death. Every package of wipes, every jar of baby food, and all toys carry some kind of ominous warning label.

If you took all the warnings seriously, you'd put your child in a hyperbaric chamber and wait till they grow up.

But now with three children and one on the way, I'm a hardened skeptic when it comes to warnings. At this point, if the kid isn't guzzling CLR, we're figuring he's okay.

But while I eschew the lawsuit-ready labels on my children's toys, I'm wondering if the Federal Trade Commission should look at another prominent product in our home: marriage books.

Not because Gary Chapman and Kevin Lehman and the Raineys are dispensing damaging information. It's because they are giving great advice I'm often tempted to misuse.

I'm the Expert.

I like to read a lot of books. I like to read books on marriage and family and relationships and leadership. As a pastor, it's actually part of my job. As a husband and father, well, it's just a good idea.

My wife, Angela, on the other hand, is busy raising three young children, cooking five-star meals, cleaning up after me, and making sure our house doesn't fall in. She doesn't have much time to kick back and enjoy the latest marriage tome.

So I do the reading for both of us. That's good, except my internal marriage meter tends to take good advice and fashion it into an effective weapon against Angela.

In fact, there isn't a more dangerous man in the world than me after polishing off the latest marriage bestseller. I'm particularly apt at focusing in on my own unmet needs and diagnosing Angela's inefficiency in meeting them.

Take Love and Respect, the classic by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. I loved that book, because it offered me great insight into the very real differences between men and women. Men, I realized, are not the thick-skinned Rambos we portray. We're really fragile souls with engines that run on respect.

But I conveniently missed the first part of this book. That whole "love" part. After downloading such great spiritual insight from Dr. Eggerichs on the "respect" part, I began a not-so-stealth mission to extract more respect from my wife.

I'm finding that this "respect" card is a handy tool. Especially when delivered in the pious tone of someone who is now an expert, having just finished the latest marriage book. A book Angela didn't read.

The message I was sending to Angela was simple: I'm the expert at marriage. I'm the noble one who's actually seeking personal growth. What's your problem?

I actually convinced myself that the real problem in our marriage wasn't my selfishness, inattentiveness, or tendency to shrink from leadership. It was her lack of giving me the respect I was due!

I'm discovering that this marital blame-shifting isn't unique to me. It goes all the way back to the first man, Adam. There he stood before God, his sin exposed. Yet his answer was something you could cut and paste from a typical husband's heart. God, this woman. She's the problem. I'm the good one here. Don't you see?

Danger Zones In Your Marriage

How would you characterize your marriage relationship? Is your relationship in a relatively good place, or are things a little shaky? Do you see any danger signs that trouble you? If you aren’t quite sure, why not spend this time and take an inventory over the topics I am about to discuss? It’s important to remember that Scripture declares, "A prudent man sees danger and takes refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it" (Prov. 22:3). Therefore, be wise and identify any issues that may reveal a potential problem in your relationship. Don’t keep living like everything is fine when it’s not. God wants you to heed the danger signs that could lead to more difficult problems down the road.
How do you know if you are entering a danger zone?

1. When you are not best friends. The lost of friendship between a husband and wife is a very subtle and dangerous situation. Many couples who drift apart know that something is missing in their relationship, but most can’t seem to identify why things seem so cold and superficial between them. Tragically, some individuals don’t realize that anything is wrong until their spouse announces they have found another love in an immoral relationship. A good indicator that a couple is entering this danger zone is when a husband declares, "She has closer relationships with all her girlfriends than she does with me." Or, a wife will say, "He becomes so excited when he gets to go out with the guys, but could care less about spending a night out with me." Do these words sound familiar? If they do, you are in a danger zone. What should you do?

You must realize that cultivating a deeper friendship with your mate is essential for a good marriage. Friendship is where the intimacy and the excitement of marriage are to be found. In the passionate account of marital love recorded in the Song of Solomon, notice how Solomon’s wife described her relationship with her husband: "His mouth is most sweet, yes, he is altogether lovely. This is my beloved, and this is my friend" (Song 5:16). The word friend in this passage means intimate friend or companion. Can you say this about your spouse? Is your mate your most intimate friend and companion? Are you daily tasting the sweetness of companionship with your spouse or has your relationship turned sour? If your marriage has lost this closeness, what should you do to rekindle the enthusiasm and friendship?

Take these steps: (a) Acknowledge to your spouse the distance you see in your relationship and ask his or her forgiveness for allowing the separation to occur. (b) Begin by praying together that God will turn your relationship around and rekindle the excitement for each other again. (c) Do your first works over again (Rev. 2:4-5). This is what Jesus told the church to do when they had left their first love. He was explaining to them that the solution to the problem wasn’t some great mystery. They simply needed to go back to the relationship they had with each other at the beginning. Likewise within your marital love relationship, all you need to do is go back to spending time together like you did when you first dated (Song of Songs 2:10-14). Spend time talking with each other like you used to do. Be sensitive to each other’s needs and requests. Remember, if you want friendship in your marriage, then you must be a friend. Jesus said, "Whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them" (Matt. 7:12). Your love and friendship should provoke a similar response in your loved one.

If you would like further encouragement on this issue see Volume 3 Issue 2 of this publication.

2. Little or no spiritual relationship. The lack of real spiritual relationship between a husband and a wife is one of the greatest danger zones because of its effect on every other aspect of your marriage. Paul taught that it was possible for believers to have a "fellowship of the Spirit" with other believers (Phil. 2:1). The word fellowship means to have an intimate and close communion with a person. Consequently, if this quality of communion is possible with any believer, how much more should this be normal for two people that God has called to be one flesh? Also, note that in the following verses of this portion of Scripture that it was this fellowship of the Spirit which enabled them to have like-mindedness with each other. Therefore, you must understand that if you want one heart and one mind with your spouse, you must have spiritual fellowship with one another.

What is the greatest hindrance to finding this fellowship in the Spirit with your mate? It is simply the failure of one or both partners to have a personal fellowship with Christ on a daily basis. In other words, you can’t have a spiritual relationship with each other if you don’t have one with the Lord yourself. Without a personal relationship with Christ you will lack the empowering strength of the Holy Spirit which enables you to love and sacrifice for one another. Ultimately, without His power, you become frustrated by trying to live the Christian life in your strength. With this lack of power your sinful nature will control you and failure will be the result (Gal. 5:16) (Gal. 5:22-23). Therefore, if you realize that you lack spiritually, what should you do? Humble your heart before God and turn to Him in prayer right now. Ask His forgiveness and begin seeking His help to become His disciple. What will this entail?

(a) Begin to personally study God’s Word and attend a local church on a regular basis where you can be taught the Bible. (b) As you read the Scriptures daily, share with your spouse the things that you are learning. (c) Start praying with your mate over your personal and marital needs. (d) As a couple, look for opportunities to practically serve others together. Make time for these things and you will naturally grow together spiritually.

3. When conflicts are left unresolved. The problem with unresolved conflicts is that they are a great stumbling block to real oneness in your marriage. Each conflict that you allow to be swept under the rug will actually become a brick in a wall that blocks any real companionship, and will ultimately hinder your entire relationship. Eventually, as the wall grows between you, it will begin to feel like you are living with a stranger because of the lack of relationship.

Why are conflicts allowed to remain unresolved in a marriage? The reasons are simple according to Scripture, however, they are also very ingrained within our hearts. When you allow selfishness, pride, and stubborn self-will to rule in your heart, you will be kept from taking the biblical action required to resolve any conflict (Prov. 28:25) (James 3:16). What can you do to remove these hindrances?

(a) Humble yourself before God and ask Him to give you a willing heart to obey His commands in reference to each unresolved conflict in your marriage (1 Peter 5:5-7). (b) Go to your mate as quickly as possible and lovingly begin a dialogue about each unresolved issue (Matt. 5:23-25). Remember, the longer you wait, the harder your heart will get (Heb. 3:7-8). If you want to determine why this conflict has remained unresolved, simply determine your personal fault in the matter. Humility will cause you to then confess this fault to your mate first (Matt. 7:5). Ask his or her forgiveness and discuss exactly what you will do in the future to keep yourself from failing here again (Eph. 4:31-32). (c) Pray together and ask God for the power of His Spirit to do what you’ve agree upon (James 5:16).

Don’t get robbed by your pride and stubbornness of the blessings you could enjoy in your marriage. Get to work resolving those unsettled issues today! If you would like a more in-depth look at how to resolve these issues see Volume 2 Issue 1 and Issue 3, Volume 3 Issue 3 and Issue 4, and Volume 4 Issue 3 of this publication.

4. When you have only surface communication. A fundamental component of every strong marriage is the ability to communicate. The more superficial the communication within a marriage the greater will be the struggles in every other aspect of the relationship. For example, poor communication skills will greatly hinder you from resolving your conflicts because you won’t be able to talk about the issues in a meaningful way. In addition, without meaningful conversation you won’t have any real depth of friendship with your spouse. You won’t ever get to discuss the really important issues of your relationship. Therefore, failing to communicate naturally puts you in a very dangerous position in your marriage.

Therefore, consider what hinders good communication. There are three areas you should consider. When you display sinful attitudes toward your mate, use sinful words, or take sinful actions an immediate roadblock occurs in your ability to communicate. Let’s look at these three areas in particular.

(a) Do you realize that before you ever finish the first sentence of any conversation that your spouse can detect your attitude? If your mate detects an arrogant, bitter, or disrespectful attitude the walls will go up immediately (Prov. 21:2) (Acts 8:23) (Eph. 5:33). Likewise, if your partner detects an indifferent attitude or you display an unwillingness to discuss an issue, you have just set up a real barrier that will frustrate any meaningful conversation.

(b) In the same manner, the words you choose will also dramatically affect your ability to communicate. If you use harsh, hateful, and condemning words to simply win an argument, you may triumph in the exchange, but ultimately, you will be the loser (Prov. 15:1) (Ps. 109:3) (Luke 6:37). Rather, why not choose words that are gentle and forgiving, words that build up your loved one? With these words God will be well pleased.

(c) In addition, you may have good intentions and yet frustrate your attempt to communicate by the actions you take as you dialogue. Do you dominate a conversation, refuse to listen, and then interrupt your spouse when he or she tries to respond (Matt. 6:7) (James 1:19-20) (Prov. 18:13)? Or, do you twist your mate’s words, bring up his or her past failures, and then shift the blame without admitting your own faults (Ps. 56:5) (Phil. 3:13) (Gen. 3:9-13)? These are just a few of the sinful actions that can frustrate your ability to communicate.

The longer you communicate in this way, the more superficial your conversations will become. The result will be a loss of companionship and a further descent into this danger zone. If you are interested in a more in-depth look at how to communicate effectively please read Volume 2 Issue 2, Volume 5 Issue 2 and Issue 3 of this publication.

5. When you engage in a power struggle. Are you in competition with your spouse to see who will control the direction of your family? Do you fight over who will have the final word when decisions are made? Do you undermine your mate’s authority by speaking disrespectfully to him or her in front of your children? If so, you are in a power struggle with your spouse.

Why is a power struggle so dangerous for your marriage? Because when you battle and contend for control you are undermining the very purpose for which you are married, oneness. God has called you to work together as a unit, not struggle to defeat your own teammate. A power struggle is a very serious issue because it reveals that you are missing the most unifying element of your marriage, a trusting love for each other. The prophet Malachi revealed this to be the reason the Jews argued with God and resisted His authority. They simply did not trust God’s love. He reminded them of their words: "I have loved you," says the LORD. "Yet you say, ‘In what way have You loved us?’ (Malachi 1:2). When any partner questions the love of their spouse, this will lead to division and separation between them. How do you solve this dilemma?

First, you must both acknowledge that this power struggle is sin and repent before God because you are violating your call to oneness (Gen. 2:24). The battle for control is the proof that you are working for yourself and not for the unity and harmony of the relationship.

Next, you must choose to willingly submit yourselves one to another in the fear of God (Eph. 5:21). Submission is what unifies and makes you one. However, be careful to note that submission is a two-way street. If either partner feels dominated, controlled, or manipulated by the other, you can’t work as a team. Mutual submission is first an attitude of the heart, which is then translated into your behavior. You demonstrate submission by your willingness to listen and receive from your mate. A willing heart like this is what motivates you to seek understanding of your mate’s needs, which naturally creates an even greater oneness. The apostle Peter described this oneness when he exhorted: "Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered. Finally, all of you be of one mind, having compassion for one another; love as brothers, be tenderhearted, be courteous" (1 Peter 3:7-8). Clearly, Peter is encouraging husbands to be sensitive, compassionate, and understanding of their wives to enable a oneness of mind and ultimately an effective prayer life. Consequently, a deeper spiritual relationship results because you are laboring together in prayer for a common goal.

Once you begin to experience this oneness of heart and mind, the power struggle is over, and it becomes relatively simple to find agreement in your decision making. Agreement is found because you are demonstrating love and seeking mutual compromise with one another. Your understanding and tenderness of heart toward each other is all the result of getting rid of the power struggle. Therefore, seek ways to please your loved one instead of seeking to please yourself and you will short-circuit the power struggle (Rom. 15:1-2).

6. A lack of romance and intimacy. Romance and intimacy with each other is simply the fruit of each of the previous truths. Obviously you won’t be very romantic with each other if you first aren’t friends who enjoy spending time together. Intimacy can not be achieved without effective communication and energetic conflict resolution. This depth of intimacy requires a spiritual relationship between two people who are not constantly battling over who is in charge.

Many couples ask if it is really that important to have romance and intimacy within their marriage. Some individuals have expressed to me that they believe that romance is really only essential for newlyweds. However, I believe that Scripture declares this concept to be fatally flawed and it places both partners in a very dangerous position. Why?

The best illustration of the power of romance and intimacy is to compare it to a spark plug in a car. A spark plug is a very small part of the overall working of an engine, but without it the car has no power. Likewise, if you compare the amount of time you spend in non-sexual touching, kissing and sexual intimacy itself, it is relatively a small part of your marriage. However, these aspects of your relationship have a profound influence over every other area of your marriage. Romantic attraction is what drew you to your spouse, and it also has a real influence in holding you together. Solomon said of his wife: "You have ravished my heart, my sister, my spouse; you have ravished my heart with one look of your eyes, with one link of your necklace. How fair is your love, my sister, my spouse" (Song 4:9-10). The word ravished means to make the heart beat faster. Solomon was emotionally motivated and attracted toward his wife because of her love toward him. A real danger comes to a marriage when two people lose this intimacy. Without this romantic attraction you make yourself and your spouse vulnerable to the seduction and attraction of another. Solomon makes this quite clear as he warns his son concerning the necessity of having romance and intimacy with his own wife. "Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of your youth. As a loving deer and a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times; and always be enraptured with her love. For why should you, my son, be enraptured by an immoral woman, and be embraced in the arms of a seductress" (Prov. 5:18-20)? The word enraptured means to be intoxicated, which obviously refers to the romantic attraction between Solomon’s son and his wife. It is especially important to note the reason Solomon gives for this exhortation. Why must you remain intoxicated with your mate? Your attraction to your spouse will protect you from becoming intoxicated and drawn into an immoral relationship. This is why romance and intimacy is so important for your marriage. So, how can you grow in your intimacy and romance with each other?

(a.) Speak kindly to each other. You can’t be critical, sarcastic, and use cutting words with one another and expect to keep a sense of romance alive. Remember, "a harsh word stirs up anger" (Prov. 15:1). Neither can you be silent and expect the fire of love to grow. Therefore, if you want a loving response, you must speak in a loving way. Notice how kindly Solomon and his wife spoke to one another (Song of S. 1:16; 4:1).

(b.) Set aside time alone to build this intimacy. Intimacy will never grow in a crowd. This is why couples tell me that after a long period of houseguests or long hours at work, they sense a need to be alone with their mate. In the Song of Solomon, notice the intentional decisions made by both partners to spend time alone with each other (Song of S. 2:10-14; 7:11-12). This time alone was the seedbed for the growth of their romantic relationship. Be assured, you too can experience this kind of intimacy. Simply make it a priority to spend time alone with your spouse and intimacy will develop.

(c.) Non-sexual touching is also very important to romance. Intimacy and romantic love is not just having sex. Intimacy is a tender embrace, a reaching out for your spouse’s hand, putting your arm around one another as you sit on the couch, or a gentle kiss in the kitchen (Song of S. 2:6; 3:4; 1:2). Demonstrate to your mate in this manner that he or she is important to you.

(d.) On a regular basis choose to demonstrate your affection to your spouse by initiating sexual relations. So often couples come in for counseling and wonder why they are so distant from one another. One of the questions I usually ask is, "How often to you have sexual relations?" Many times the response is, "Very little." Sometimes one partner is refusing sexual relations to punish or manipulate the other. This kind of behavior is sinful, dangerous, and counterproductive to resolving the real issues that divide a couple.

Therefore, if your romance and intimacy on a sexual level is at a low ebb or maybe even nonexistent, here are some issues to consider.

If you want affection and romance within your marriage, you must realize that your sexual relationship is very important to your marriage. God designed sexual relations in marriage for several very important reasons. Paul explained, "Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control" (1 Cor. 7:3-5). Why did Paul command couples not to deprive each other? He gives three simple reasons. (1) The sexual relationship is the most intimate way two married individuals can express their affection for each other. By refusing sexual intimacy you are communicating that you have little affection toward your spouse. In this atmosphere romance will only die. In addition, if you are forcing sexual relations upon your spouse, you are likewise revealing a lack of love and respect for your mate. Therefore, choose to demonstrate love by initiating or restraining your desires. Above all, talk about this issue and come to a mutual agreement as Scripture commands.

(2) Paul also teaches in this passage that both husband and wife gave up the right to their own body when they got married. Your responsibility is to meet the sexual needs of your spouse. If you love your mate more than you love yourself, their needs will be your priority.

(3) If you show your affection for your spouse sexually, you protect your spouse from the temptation of Satan. Remember, Satan is seeking whom he may devour (1 Peter 5:8). Don’t give him an opportunity to tempt, condemn, or destroy your marriage.

Are you in a danger zone right now?

Finally, if you find yourself in any of these danger zones, don’t wait until there is a new conflict before you begin resolving these issues. Don’t allow the frustration to build in your heart to a point where you want to give up. Seek reconciliation where ever you see these danger signs. Get together with your spouse today and talk over how you can change your relationship for the better. Remember, speak the truth in love (Eph. 4:15).
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How Prayer Builds Your Marriage

Quite often when I counsel couples concerning their marriages, I first try to determine the depth of their spiritual relationship. To do this, I will ask an all important question such as, How often do you pray with your spouse? The response is enlightening because most couples tell me that they very rarely pray together, with the exception of meal-time. Some have declared to me that prayer is of little importance to their relationship. Others acknowledge that prayer is very important to them but they simply fail to do it on any regular basis.

Which do you believe? Is prayer important to your relationship or is it just a formality at meal time? Do you believe that prayer has any real effect on the depth of companionship within your marriage? In reality, whatever you actually do at present in your home is the clearest revelation of what you truly believe regarding prayer.

If you are unsure about the benefits of prayer with your mate, let's look at how it can actually build your relationship.

1. Prayer unites you spiritually before God. One of the greatest reasons God wants couples to pray together is stated by Jesus when He said, "If two of you agree on earth concerning anything that they ask, it will be done for them..." (Matt. 18:19). Prayer naturally brings you into agreement with one another as you hold your petitions before the Lord. In fact, you can't pray whole-heartedly and in a unified manner without agreeing together. By coming before God you are naturally uniting your hearts for one common end. This unity was the fruit of collective prayer in the early church. When the apostles were persecuted, the believers came together and "raised their voice to God with one accord..." (Acts 4:24). The testimony of Scripture reveals that when this group finished praying together that they were "one heart and one soul" (Acts 4:32).

Now is there anything that couples need more than to be of one heart and one soul with each other? How different this attitude is from the independence that many couples experience. However, the agreement indicated in these passages describes a depth of relationship that is truly satisfying. If you desire this level of spiritual unity in your marriage, begin to pray together and watch your oneness grow. This is God's design for prayer in your marriage.

2. Prayer encourages humility and honesty. Experiencing unity of heart with your mate is not automatic. It requires a special attitude by both partners. Jesus taught that an honest and humble heart was an absolute essential for effective prayer when He told the story of the two men who came to the temple to pray. One man was very self-righteous and ended up praying with only himself because God would not hear him. The other man humbled himself and cried out, "God be merciful to me a sinner!" (Luke 18:9-14). Only the second man was received and justified before God, simply because he honestly and humbly confessed his need.

In the same manner, if you want to grow in your prayer life together, it is necessary to honestly bear your soul before your mate as well as before God. As you humble yourself and acknowledge your personal needs before God, you are communicating a special message to your mate. You are declaring that you are open, vulnerable, and sincere. And remember, God gives grace to the humble. All marriages could use God's grace to smooth off the rough edges.

One of the greatest problems that I observe as a marriage counselor is pride and the refusal to acknowledge any weakness or need to one another. However, praying together is a great way to solve this problem. It's important for you to remember that your spouse knows you and the problems you face better than anyone else in the world. For you to refuse to pray or to whitewash your problems in prayer only keeps you further from one another and the depth of relationship you long for. Therefore, when you pray together, be honest and humble yourself before God. Allow your spouse to hear you confess your needs openly. You can't help but be drawn closer together as a result.

3. Prayer develops and deepens your communication. Good communication is a fundamental key to real companionship and prayer is the hand that turns the key to open this door. How does prayer help your communication?

First, read some of the prayers that are recorded in the Bible and notice what happens. Don't you gain a deeper insight into the heart of the one praying because this person is communicating something honestly from the heart? One such example is when Solomon prayed to the Lord at the dedication of the temple. There were multitudes who heard him that day and who were drawn to an agreement of heart as they heard his communication with God. Scripture declares that when he had finished praying that the people "bowed their faces to the ground...and worshiped and praised the Lord" (2 Chron. 7:3). We too are blessed and encouraged because this prayer is recorded for us in Scripture. Our hearts become stirred because Solomon honestly communicated the depth of his soul before God. He declared his humble praise, his faith in God's great ability, and his commitment to giving God his whole heart. As we read this prayer, it still communicates today a powerful message. We know Solomon's heart because he communicated it in prayer.

The great thing about prayer is that you say things to the Lord that you would never say to each other in casual conversation. For example, when a woman hears her husband praying earnestly about his situation at work, she may realize, Wow, I had no idea this was such a difficult issue for him. Likewise, when you describe your commitment in prayer to obey and follow Christ, you are communicating to your spouse that he or she can trust that you will be committed to fulfilling all your responsibilities in your marriage too. What a sweet fruit of trust and intimacy this will bear.

4. Prayer establishes deeper companionship. Think with me for a moment. What are the key issues that hinder real companionship with your partner? Are they not independence, pride, and a lack of communication? If you will notice, these problems are naturally addressed by my first three points. As you humbly pray with one another, communicating your needs before God, you will automatically grow in a spiritual unity with one another which results in a deeper companionship. And remember, companionship is the most important reason that you are married. Malachi made this clear when he specifically called your marriage partner your "companion" (Mal. 2:14). If you lack companionship in your marriage, prayer is one very important way to deepen it. If you refuse to unite with your partner in prayer, there will always be a depth to your companionship that will be lacking. Remember, the closer we get to God, the closer we get to each other.

5. Your marriage will be built up because you will be built up. You will never be the loser by giving yourself to pray with your spouse. Scripture makes it clear that when a believer prays he or she will be built up as a result. Jude declared: "Building yourselves up on your most holy faith, praying in the Holy Spirit" (Jude 1:20). As you pray and spend time petitioning and communing with the Father, He will build you up. Jesus promised that the Holy Spirit will come to fill your heart because of prayer: "How much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him?" (Luke 11:13). If you and your spouse are filled with the Spirit, your lives will manifest the fruit of His Spirit (Gal. 5:22,23). Isn't His love, longsuffering, and self-control what every marriage needs? As you are built up personally with these qualities, your marriage will be built up too, and your home will be wonderfully strengthened.

Beloved, don't miss what God wants to do in this area of your marriage because of your independence, pride, or fear. Open your heart and ask the Father to work in you to will and to do of His good pleasure (Phil. 2:13). You won't be sorry!
How can you make the practical changes needed?

It is not enough to know that you should be praying with your spouse; you must practice it. But you may be thinking, What should I do to begin? Where should I start? Let's look at some of the practical ways to change things.

1. Find a mutually agreeable time. This is the best place to begin your conversation with your mate. Depending on your work schedule, whether or not you have children, and if you are a morning person or a night owl, you must determine the best time to pray together. Try to determine the most undistracted time of day possible. I often hear, What is that? My life is always distracted. Of course, most of us have very full lives with many daily commitments. But, be assured, you will never find time for prayer, you have to make time. In the same way you set aside specific time for grooming or eating everyday, you will want to set aside time for prayer with your spouse. I would suggest, if you are an early riser, an early morning rendezvous before the kids get up. Or, if you are a night person, pray with each other just before bed. This may entail some sacrifice, getting up earlier or turning the television off in the evening.

2. Keep the prayer time short. I have found that one of the greatest mistakes that people make when beginning a prayer time together is that of trying to immediately pray for an extended period of time. If your spouse is not accustomed to the practice of prayer, he or she can become turned off to praying with you if you insist on a marathon experience. Don't try to be so spiritual that you end up quenching your partner's desire to pray. If you want to successfully change your habits, begin with a short time together at first, possibly just a few minutes. This will keep your partner from becoming discouraged, impatient, or intimidated. Let the Lord slowly and naturally lengthen your prayer time together as a result of the Spirit drawing you forward, not by some external rule you have set up. Simply pray by taking turns back and forth until one partner doesn't pray anymore. Then conclude the prayer and be thankful for the time that you have had together. Never forget, God wants to bless this time with your mate, so be careful not to force or impose your will upon your spouse. Remember, the "servant of the Lord must not strive but be gentle to all..." (2 Tim. 2:24).

3. Keep your turn to pray short. Keeping your prayers short will accomplish several goals. First, it will naturally keep your prayer time short, as I just discussed. But, it will also keep you more focused on what you are praying about. Think for a moment about the last time you heard someone go on and on with some lengthy prayer. Wasn't it difficult to stay focused on what the person was praying?

Therefore, get to the point and say what you need to say and then be silent. This gives your spouse the opportunity to add any postscript to your prayer that will bring further agreement together. Remember, if you pray everything there is to pray on any given subject, then why do you need your spouse to pray with you? Often I hear this as a specific complaint from one spouse: He (or she) prays for everything and I can't even get a word in on the subject!

To solve this problem you must deal with your selfishness and the desire to control the prayer time. Remember, we are to give "preference to one another," not dominate or control others (Rom. 12:10). This attitude will keep you sensitive to your mate's needs and encourage effective prayer.

4. Keep it personal. One thing that greatly encourages effective prayer together is acknowledgment of your personal needs in the presence of your mate before God. So often in group prayer meetings I hear people using very impersonal words such as we and us, never confessing personally I need. Yet, what happens in your heart when someone does confess a personal need? Doesn't your heart go out to that person as you agree with his or her request? Don't you sense a knitting together with this individual? The same result will occur if you will become very personal with your spouse by acknowledging your individual needs.

Remember the difference between the prayer of the Pharisee and the publican in Luke 18:9-14. The publican humbled himself and confessed his need and the Pharisee did not. Don't be like the Pharisee or you may end up praying by yourself. Intimacy in prayer encourages others to be honest too. Don't wait for your spouse to start before you open up. You can start by asking for the most important things in your life. Then watch what happens to your mate as he or she prays. You will sense an immediate change.

5. Pray for your marriage. To encourage more honest and open prayer with your mate, take the next step of praying for your marriage. However, you must be careful here so as not to offend. Don't pray for a specific problem your mate has or where he or she has offended you. This, of course, would be perceived by your spouse as very condemning and arrogant. The best way to handle praying for your marriage is to first thank Him for your spouse and request God's help in the areas where you are personally failing. This is the "remove the plank from your own eye" principle that Jesus taught in Matthew 7:5. When you begin asking God for a greater love or a willingness and sensitivity to be a servant to the needs of your spouse, he or she will sense your humility. This can only draw two people closer.

In addition, ask God to bring healing and growth to your relationship. Regularly thank Him for the mate He has given you, stressing his or her strong points. By doing so, you are recognizing the value you place on your mate as you offer your praise to God. This is how prayer can build your marriage in a way nothing else can.
What are some other issues you should pray about?

The subject matter to be prayed over is also another issue that some struggle with. This is a subject that Jesus also covered in His ministry while He was here on earth. In Matthew 6:9-15, Jesus taught His disciples the manner in which to pray. The word manner means "to pray in this way" or "in this fashion." By teaching them this prayer, He revealed some of the most significant things that we should pray about and He placed them in an order of priority.

As you read this model prayer you first realize that Jesus wants us to pray directly to our Father in heaven. He doesn't want us using another person as an intermediary, but to come directly to Him. The Lord spoke through the prophet Jeremiah: "Call upon Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know" (Jer. 33:3). Therefore, come directly and boldly to His throne of grace.

As you pray, make it your primary motive that His Name be glorified and that His will be accomplished here on earth as it is in heaven. Begin by worshipping Him together, being thankful for what He's already done and is doing in your lives. Let this be your priority before you ever begin asking for anything.

Then ask Him for His provision for all your needs ranging from your daily bread to forgiveness for your sins, both in general and in your marriage. Lift up to Him areas where you sense yourself being tempted and ask for strength and deliverance.

Remembering throughout all your prayer time that it is His kingdom and power that rules and reigns over all. Fix your eyes upon His ability to work in your life and in your marriage to answer all of your needs. Never forget Paul's exhortation, "Now unto Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us..."(Eph. 3:20). When you pray with your spouse with this kind of assurance and boldness, believing that He is able, you will get answers. The answers you receive will also bring you into a closer and more intimate companionship with your mate than you have ever had before. What are you waiting for? Share this publication with your loved one and may you both be encouraged to begin a prayer life together. Be assured that "the effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man (or woman) avails much" (James 5:16). He has much to give if you will but ask. Begin today by taking your partner's hand, go before the Father's throne together, and watch the fruit of effective prayer abound. Your marriage will never be the same!

What Can You Do To Build Friendship In Your Marriage?

One of the great romances in the Bible is pictured for us in the Old Testament book of the Song of Solomon. King Solomon and his Shulamite wife had a relationship that many married couples would love to enjoy. What was at the core of this romantic relationship? The Shulamite revealed one of the key ingredients. She declared concerning her husband, "This is my beloved, and this is my friend" (Song 5:16). Friendship was clearly at the foundation of their marital relationship and the driving force behind their romance.
You may be asking, "How can I build this type of friendship with my spouse? Are there specific things I can do that will promote friendship? How can I become a better friend to my marriage partner?" As you read the following pages, examine your relationship and determine where you need to make some adjustments so that you and your spouse might become the best of friends.

1. Be a friend. Solomon gave one of the simplest and wisest bits of counsel on the subject of friendship when he said, "A friend loves at all times" (Prov. 17:17). Love is more than a feeling or an emotion; it is an action that you take. It is commitment. Love always acts in a friendly manner toward others. True friendship is created and maintained by the practical action of love. Are you showing this quality of friendship to your spouse, or are you critical, independent, or resentful? The way you are behaving toward your mate will have a lot to do with how he or she will respond. The Bible declares "Whatever a man sows, that he will also reap" (Gal. 6:7). Consequently, you must first consider your own actions to determine if you are being a good friend or not. Jesus also taught this principle of friendship when He said, "Whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them..." (Matt. 7:12). Therefore, what are you doing to show your partner that you want to be a friend?

In order to be fair to those of you who are trying with all your heart to be a good friend to your spouse I'd like to say this: there are some people who are so hard-hearted that they will resist all attempts to show them love. Remember, Jesus came as a friend to His own people and they rejected His love and eventually crucified Him. Therefore, don't think it strange if your friendship is rejected at times. Just be sure that you are not the unfriendly one and that you are reaching out in friendship to your mate on a regular basis. If you are then rejected, your conscience will be clear because you have tried.

2. Spend time together communicating on a daily basis. One of the characteristics of true friendship is that friends talk a lot together. They usually spend a lot of time with one another. Friends enjoy just being with each other and sharing the things that they have in common. They can laugh together, comfort one another, and confide in each other their hopes and fears. When is the last time you sat down with your spouse over a cup of coffee and discussed how you really felt about your job, your church, your ministry, or your relationship with Christ? There is tremendous joy to be found in communicating about the things that matter most to you. Why not take the time to get off alone, just the two of you, and share a meal together where this depth of fellowship might occur. Solomon's wife described this joy of communication when she said to her husband, "Let me see your countenance, let me hear your voice; for your voice is sweet, and your countenance is lovely" (Song 2:14). Solomon, as well, was quite verbally expressive to his wife (4:1-15; 6:4-10; 7:1-9). To experience the friendship and romance that this couple possessed, you must spend the time to communicate.

Jesus strongly believed that communication was essential for friendship with His disciples: "No longer do I call you servants, for a servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I heard from My Father I have made known to you" (John 15:15). He had more than a master-slave relationship with His disciples; it was a relationship of love and friendship. Yes, we are His servants, but we are more than that. We are His friends. Jesus called the disciples His friends because He had made known all things to them. All that He had heard from His Father He had communicated to them. In other words, He considered real friends worth talking to about all the things on His heart.

The opposite is also true. The less you talk to a friend, the more distant your relationship grows. Think of friends that have moved away and you have failed to keep in contact with them. What happens? The distance in miles translates into a distance in relationship. The only way to bridge this distance is by writing and calling them, and the friendship continues.

In addition, you have to be able to communicate to your friend in a loving manner about the weaknesses that effect both of you. This is also an essential part of friendship. Gentle confrontation through wholesome communication will only deepen your friendship. Solomon said, "Open rebuke is better than love carefully concealed. Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful" (Prov. 27:5,6). If your friend sees you about to do something that could harm you, he or she would naturally try to stop you. Sometimes this causes hurt feelings, but your friend is actually being faithful to you. A true friend will rebuke you at times simply because you are friends and because friendship requires truthfulness.

If you desire to grow as friends and to see the romance in your marriage increase, you must increase truthful communication. This requires that you set time aside to encourage growth in this area. Ask God for an honesty to be able to talk about all things. Remembering to speak the truth in love will enable you both to avoid any conflicts that may result. Don't miss the joy to be found in communicating with your spouse!

3. Reconcile conflicts. The Bible declares that at one time we were all enemies of God. "Yet now He has reconciled" us unto Himself (Col. 1:21). This work was accomplished because Jesus wanted friendship and relationship with us. He said,
"Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one's life for his friends" (John 15:13). The cross was the supreme demonstration of His love and offer of friendship. He could only make this offer by first reconciling us unto Himself by His death. However, His life also proved that He was serious about reconciliation. Scripture tells us that Jesus was "a friend of tax collectors and sinners" (Matt. 11:19). He befriended those who were the outcasts of society, those that others hated and despised. He even reached out the hand of friendship to those who despised Him. This was His way of life and the example that drew each of us to be His friend.

You must possess the same heart and take the same action of loving reconciliation toward your spouse if you ever want to become friends. Unresolved conflicts greatly destroy marital friendship and intimacy. Each unresolved conflict must be seen as one brick in an imaginary wall that divides your marriage. When you refuse to reconcile each issue you only build the wall that divides you higher and higher. If this wall-building continues, eventually you will have little or no relationship with each other. Therefore, you must continually seek to reconcile all those issues that you have suppressed or avoided in your relationship. Be assured that the moment you begin to hold resentment and bitterness in your heart, the friendship and intimacy will immediately begin to disappear. This is true in all relationships.

Consider how this works with a co-worker that you are holding resentment toward. When you refuse to reconcile a particular conflict, you can both sense the tension and strain between you. The friendship can't continue until the conflict is brought out in the open and resolved. This is why Paul encouraged Christians to keep a very short account with each other when conflicts arise. He said, "...do not let the sun go down on your wrath..." (Eph. 4:26). Yet, Christian couples commonly violate this principle and refuse to reconcile, allowing issues to go unresolved for days, weeks, months, or even years. Remember, when you go to bed angry, you wake up just as angry the next morning. Wouldn't it be better to resolve the issue the same day and wake up in the morning with a tender heart instead of a hard one?

Yes, it is difficult to resolve some conflicts. But remember, love and a desire for renewed friendship will always seek reconciliation. So keep working at it! Examine your own heart as to where you have not been a good friend or have failed to be loving. Confess it to your spouse and ask forgiveness. If you want the friendship and romance to grow in your marriage, you must resolve the conflicts.

4. Be responsive to your mate's requests. This is another essential and important aspect of friendship. Let me illustrate by using a parallel situation. If one of your friends made a request for help with some activity that was very important to him or her, and you refused without a good reason, wouldn't there be an immediate strain upon your friendship? Or, if you asked one of your friends to stop a specific action that was offensive to you and he or she would forget over and over again, wouldn't your friend's insensitivity aggravate and upset you? If these actions continued, you would begin to assume that this person who asserted to be your friend might not care as much as professed. Isn't that what you would conclude? Of course it is. Real friendship means that you listen to the requests made and sacrificially give in order to meet those requests or needs. You would especially try to respond to a request if it was an issue that offended your friend. If you continually refused, you wouldn't be friends for very long.

Jesus taught this principle of friendship in relation to Himself when He said, "You are my friends if you do whatever I command you" (John 15:14). Our friendship with Christ requires an eagerness to please and is of a much higher order than any human relationship because we are called to obey Him in all things. However, if we were continually disregarding Christ He would obviously question the sincerity of our profession of love.

Similarly, if you desire to build friendship within your marriage relationship, sensitivity to your mate's requests is fundamental. You must begin to listen to what your spouse is telling you concerning his or her needs and actively seek to respond in a loving way. What is your partner specifically asking you to do? Is it an offensive behavior that needs to stop, or a caring action that needs to be performed? If these requests are reasonable and biblical, you should seek to sacrificially love and give to your spouse in these areas. This may not be easy, but no one ever said that sacrificial love would be easy. That's why it's called sacrificial.

5. Give up controlling behavior. See to it, however, that your requests for change in your spouse are reasonable. We are not called to mandate every detail of our partner's life. Beware of trying to convert your mate into your very own personal robot, with no identity of his or her own. This personal freedom is even seen in our friendship with the Lord. It is important to remember that He doesn't try to control every decision we make; how we wear our hair, what we eat, or who are friends will be. He gives us the freedom to make our own choices over all of the non-moral issues in our lives.

In his epistle to the Romans, the Apostle Paul taught believers this principle to keep them from battling over non-essential issues. Some of the gray areas in those days entailed questions related to what days they were to worship and whether they were to eat meat or only vegetables. He explained that they had to decide these issues individually and not allow others to judge them for their choices. In order to avoid unnecessary conflict among the brethren he taught, "Let each be fully convinced in his own mind" (Rom. 14:5).

In your marriage relationship there are a multitude of non-moral and non-biblical issues that can create conflict. Some spouses condemn their mates, refusing to allow them the right to a personal opinion. When this occurs it is simply a problem of self, of trying to remake your spouse into your own image. This hard-line philosophy will only destroy the friendship you possess. True love chooses not to criticize one's personal opinions but allows and accepts them.

Let me give you some examples of controlling behavior in the context of friendship to illustrate my point. Would you go into a friend's house and begin to criticize the decor of his or her home? Would you reprimand your friend every time he or she did something you personally disliked? Would you interrupt a friend and declare that his or her opinion was unimportant? Never! If you did, you wouldn't be friends for very long. In our normal daily relationships we never try to control every detail of our friends' lives because we realize their decisions are of a personal nature and are, therefore, left to individual choice. If we are so tolerant and respectful of our friends, shouldn't we give the same benefit to our best friend?

If you see the wisdom in these examples, why then do you show a lack of acceptance for the personal decisions of your spouse? How can you be fair with one person and so unfair with another? It basically comes down to selfishness. I am not saying that you shouldn't discuss gray issues or try to compromise over them, but at some point you simply have to accept the different ideas and opinions of your mate. Your spouse will never be just like you!

6. Spend some recreation time together. When you first dated, recreation was a very important part of your courtship time. You found fun things to do together and spent hours talking about things that you had done and hoped to do in the future. These times together deepened your friendship, which eventually lead to romance and marriage.

However, after marriage many couples fail to continue to do the very things that made them such good friends. It's easy to get caught up in the demands of the children's needs, of business or job pressures, or in personal hobbies or sports. Consequently, many couples spend less and less time together and the friendship slowly dies.

It is interesting to note that one of the keys to the friendship and romance between Solomon and his wife was to take opportunities for recreation together. The record reveals that they were constantly doing things together. They met and spent time together in the field where she kept her flock (Song 1:7,8). He came and met her for a spring-time walk, just to smell the flowers (2:10-13). They also took time to go away for a trip to the villages and to walk in the vineyards (7:11,12).

What fun things do you do together on a regular basis that would encourage friendship with your spouse? Do you make the time to be together or has your mate been squeezed out by other priorities? For this activity to be successful in building friendship, it must be something you both enjoy doing and preferably something that is as inexpensive as possible. This is important because if you aren't both excited about the activity or it costs too much money to do on a regular basis, you won't continue.

Find as many activities as you can that will encourage communication together. Going out to a movie is a great date, but it doesn't allow for much communication with each other unless you go out beforehand to dinner or go for an after-movie walk to discuss your ideas about it. If you can find recreation that simultaneously allows for communication, you are enhancing friendship in two areas. Outdoor activities such as walking, hiking, fishing, bikeriding, or camping can be fun and are often inexpensive while facilitating conversation.

7. Demonstrate trust. In the Old Testament when King David spoke about a friend that had betrayed him, he referred to him as one in whom he had trusted. "Even my own familiar friend in whom I trusted, who ate my bread, has lifted up his heel against me" (Ps. 41:9). Friendship and trust are always linked together because trust is an essential key to any friendship. You must have confidence that your friend cares about you and that this individual will always keep your best interests at heart. Trust produces a sense of security and dependence in your mutual commitment.

Yet, when a spouse questions your word, your faithfulness, or your commitment by asking you twenty questions every evening about who you saw and what you did all day, you obviously conclude that your mate doesn't trust you. This isn't a trusting love, but a selfish one by a person demonstrating fear, insecurity, and immaturity. This kind of selfish love will destroy the relationship. When you sense your spouse is possessive and controlling concerning your other relationships, it quenches the romance and the friendship because you realize your spouse doesn't trust you and your love.

Paul said that love "believes all things" (1 Cor. 13:7). This trust is a fundamental key to the marital relationship God wants to build in your home. He wants you to love your spouse enough to trust that he or she will be faithful and honor the commitment of your marriage vows. No amount of coercion could ever enforce faithfulness because faithfulness is an act of love. Love cannot be forced. Control or coercion will only destroy the love. Every time you begin to talk or act as if you don't trust your spouse you are destroying the friendship between you.

On the other hand, you can introduce legitimate doubt in a trusting mate from past failures or by questionable or unwholesome behavior. Have you been caught in a lie to your spouse? Have you taken some action that appears compromising? If this is the case, there is a good reason for your mate's doubt. You must therefore, begin to build your spouse's trust again. To do this you must humbly acknowledge your past faults and ask your spouse's forgiveness. Then, stop any doubtful activity you are engaged in. Trust can be built again if you are willing to be completely honest with your mate and prove your trustworthiness. (There is nothing wrong with your spouse needing some time to see proof that you are trustable again.) Trust is something you build one day at a time. Why not start building today?
Where do you get the ability to be a friend?

To be the friend that I have described you need a power and love that is far beyond yourself. Why? Because it is not our nature to be sacrificial in our giving or to be instantly willing and responsive to the requests of others. Our nature is to do just the opposite. Yet marriage requires genuine love and self-sacrifice which are contrary to our natural way of relating to others. Therefore, because we are self-oriented by nature, we need God's help to be the friend He requires us to be.

The ultimate solution to this dilemma of selfishness is to first grow in your friendship with God. As you grow in your friendship with the Father you will naturally grow in friendship with your spouse. This is always the biblical order for any change in your life. As you grow in your love for the Lord, you can't help but grow in love for others. His love destroys selfishness. John said, "He who loves God must love his brother also" (1 John 4:21). In other words, you must love your mate because the Holy Spirit is dwelling inside you and naturally seeks to express His love through you to others.

This truth is also seen in the life of Abraham. He is portrayed in Scripture as an example of faith and love. But he wasn't born that way. He grew in his walk of faith and obedience by growing in his relationship with God. Abraham was called "the friend of God" (James 2:23). Friendship with God transformed this man day by day, making him a man of faith and love.

If you have turned away from the friendship of God, this is where you need to begin. He doesn't want to be your enemy; He wants to be your friend. He demonstrated this by sending His Son to die for you. He has stretched out His hand of friendship to you. If you want to take His hand, bow in prayer right now to ask His forgiveness and surrender yourself to His Lordship. As you reconcile with the Father and become His friend, you will find that this is the first step toward greater friendship with your mate. Don't miss the grace and strength He longs to give. He will enable all of the changes needed in your life and marriage. Ask Him to begin the work today.

What Causes Love To Die In Your Marriage?

Is your love for your spouse alive and well? Do you still have that passion that once burned in your heart? Or has your love slowly died? Has the fire gone out?
The Scriptures describe the love between a husband and a wife as a fire. This is how the Shulamite, in the Song of Solomon, described her love relationship with her husband. She said, "...For love is as strong as death, jealousy as cruel as the grave; Its flames are flames of fire, a most vehement flame" (Song of Solomon 8:6). Her love for Solomon was a passionate fire in her soul. She compared her love to the strongest and most powerful forces she knew: the power of death and the power of the flame. These two metaphors are descriptions for the strength and passion of marital love.

First, consider the comparison of love to the strength of death. This is a great illustration because death is so powerful and all consuming. Death takes everyone sooner or later. It never gives up. This same love was demonstrated by Christ. He loved you to the point of death. His strong love drove Him to sacrificially lay His life down. His love is tenacious. He is still pursuing you today. At this moment, His eyes are looking to and fro throughout the whole earth to find willing and loyal hearts. He wants to show Himself strong on their behalf (2 Chron. 16:9). Is your heart willing? God wants to give you His strong, persistent love for your spouse; a love that is totally committed.

Consider the second illustration of love as a fire that burns in the soul. In Scripture, salvation is described as "a lamp that burns" (Is. 62:1). Salvation is primarily a love relationship between you and the Father. The great commandment declares, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind" (Matt. 22:37). Your heart becomes a lamp that burns with the fire of His love. Again, this illustration is fitting because you are also called to be a light to the world. The love of Christ is the light the world is looking for. His love in you is what makes you a bright light. Jesus called John the Baptist a "burning and shining lamp" (John 5:35). Why? Because he had this intense love and passion for God.

These metaphors also relate to how love dies in your marriage. The illustration of the fire is most important. Each of you has stood by a fire at one time or another, and you know very well what causes a fire to die out. It happens in only one of two ways.

One way a fire goes out is by your inaction. If you fail to watch and stoke the fire with more wood, what happens? The fire slowly goes out. This is also what happens in your marriage. Your inaction to love and to show attentiveness to your spouse will surely kill your love relationship. Your spouse will see this inaction and determine that you really don't care.

If you want your love to die, just do nothing. It won't be long before the fire is out. Many couples simply fail to do the maintenance required to keep the love between them alive. What do I mean? Do you recognize your mate's labor and accomplishments? Do you thank your spouse when he or she pleases you? Have you neglected to pray regularly with and for your partner? When is the last time you had a date together? When is the last time you gave a gift or did something special for your loved one when it wasn't a birthday or Christmas? Each of these actions will stoke the fire of your love. If you're forgetting these things, the fire will slowly go out!

Each forgotten action of love is simply a sign of laziness in your relationship. Yet, Scripture encourages you to love in a different manner. Paul says, "Be kindly affectionate to one another... not lagging in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord " (Rom. 12:10,11). The term "fervent in spirit" means "to be hot or to boil." Love is depicted here as a blazing fire burning inside your heart to serve the Lord, in direct contrast to a lack of diligence or laziness.

If God is encouraging us to be diligent and not lag in our love for our brother, how much more fervent should we be toward our mate? Are you showing the kindness and affection toward your spouse that you should? If you are, the fire between you will never go out. It only burns hotter and more intense with each passing day.

But there is another way to put a fire out besides your inaction. Your deliberate actions will cause the fire to go out as well. You can take the deliberate action of throwing water on a fire, and it will surely die. What deliberate actions pour water on your relationship? Are you verbally abusive? Do you criticize or mock your partner when you talk together? Are you physically abusive? Are you refusing sexual relations to punish your loved one for lack of attentiveness to you? Do you act harshly or rudely? Have you been seen flirting with someone else? Have you broken your vows by adultery? These actions will surely quench the fire of love.

Paul taught that doing evil to others is what quenches the Holy Spirit in our lives. He exhorts, "See that no one renders evil for evil to anyone...do not quench the Holy Spirit...abstain from every form of evil." Evil done to any person quenches the Holy Spirit in your life because this is sin and it grieves the heart of God. These actions grieve your spouse as well and quench the love between you! Read the entire context of 1 Thess. 5:15-22.

Make changes today. Don't wait any longer. Your love relationship can only take so much neglect. The flames of your love can only take so much dousing with water before the fire goes out. Stir up the embers, take the action God requires.

Therefore, it should not be a mystery as to why love dies within a marriage. It's as simple as either 1) failing to maintain the fire or 2) continuing the deliberate sinful actions that quench the fire. When these problems go unresolved in your relationship, you slowly drift apart. The love slowly dies.

Some couples do both. They do nothing to stoke the fire of their love, and they are dumping water regularly on what's left. This relationship will not last! How do you stop this downward cycle? Read on!

.What rekindles love between you?

Many times couples ask me, "Is there any hope to ever renew the love we once had?" They wonder if they could ever rekindle the matrimonial fire. They think, "too much has happened that can't be changed." Yet, when you start asking these questions, you are on the right path. Yes, there is something you can do! Yes, there is hope! What should you do?

1. Return to your first love with Christ.
I have never seen a marriage that was in trouble where the two individuals involved weren't in need of spiritual renewal. Where there are unresolved conflicts, there will always be resentment. Where there is resentment, there is unforgiveness. Where there is unforgiveness, there is hardness of heart. With these attitudes inside, a person can't help but struggle in his relationship with God. You can't say you love God and hate your spouse at the same time (1 John 4:20). The hardness you have in your heart toward your mate, will bring a distance in your relationship with God, and this destroys any possibility for change. Jesus said, "Without me you can do nothing" (John 15:5). If you desire to rekindle your love relationship with your spouse, you need to return to your first love with Christ (Rev. 2:4,5). God is love (1 John 4:7,8). He is the Source of love! You can't give what you don't have, and you need Him to give you the love you lack in your relationship. First reconcile with Him those resentments you have in your heart. Ask His forgiveness for the hardness and unforgiveness you've had toward your loved one.

Once you've reconciled with Him, you will sense the power of His love working within you. You will then be able to take the action God requires of you. Remember, "...it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure" (Phil. 2:13). You must be in right relationship with the Lord to have the power you need to have a right relationship with your spouse. The steps you need to take will not be easy. In fact, they are impossible if you have a resentful heart. You need to say with all confidence, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Phil. 4:13). If your heart is right with Him, He will strengthen you to do all that He requires!

Let me say a word to those of you who have never personally received Christ as your Savior. This is a critical issue for you. You may not realize it, but this is a central problem in your marriage. Without Christ you cannot be the husband or wife God requires. The love you need to enable you to resolve each of your problems is God's love, and it comes only from Him. Trying to love your partner with only your love and in your own strength will always be insufficient. The problems you are having in your marriage today should make this abundantly clear. If you believe this, this is an issue that must change. Humble yourself right now before God and pray. Ask His forgiveness and invite Him to come into your heart. Ask Him to take over your life and your marriage, and to fill you with His Holy Spirit, making you the man or woman you need to be.

2. Next, go to your spouse and begin to reconcile the conflicts that divide you. How should you begin? Start with yourself! Jesus said, "First, remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck out of your brother's eye"
(Matt. 7:5). He knew that this principle must be the priority for anyone to reconcile conflicts.

If you are ready to get things right, try this. Take out a piece of paper and write down whatever faults you have in your marriage. Be honest with yourself and with God. What have you done that has offended your spouse? Where have you failed to obey the Word of God? What have you neglected to do that you've been asked many times to remember?

Once you determine your failures, go and ask forgiveness for them. Don't start by pointing out your mate's faults, start with your own (James 5:16). This action immediately softens the heart of your spouse and usually creates a response in your partner to compile a similar list. If this doesn't happen, gently encourage your spouse to consider his or her own faults and do some soul-searching as you have. Encourage your spouse that you want to change the direction of the relationship, and explain that only by reconciling these issues can the love return between the two of you.

This process of reconciliation might entail getting some counseling from your pastor. Many times, a third persons objectivity helps to show both of you what Biblical action is needed.

3. Begin to provoke your spouse to love by deliberate godly actions.
Paul said, "Let us consider one another to provoke unto love and to good works" (Heb. 10:24). We usually provoke one another to wrath and evil works; to provoke your spouse to love requires the power of God. It takes the love of God reigning in your heart to subdue your selfish actions. In most cases, love provokes others to love and stirs them up to love you back. Think of a time when a friend has done something for you that was totally unexpected. What was your reaction? Didn't it stir you up to want to do something in return for that person? Of course it did!

Love provokes others to love and takes care of the problem of inaction. The word provoke means "to stir up." Every action of love is like throwing another log on the fire. The more you take deliberate actions of love, the more the fire blazes. You will naturally be attracted to the warmth of this kind of relationship, and it will naturally draw you closer together.

You will begin to look forward to getting home to see your spouse because of the love that has been rekindled between you!

4. Stop any of the deliberate sinful actions you are taking.
If you want the fire of love to begin to burn again, you have to stop throwing water on the fire. This will show your spouse that you mean business! When there is true repentance in the heart, it is always demonstrated by reversing the direction of your life. If you are doing anything that is contrary to the Word of God, you must stop it. Where you are living selfishly, reverse directions. Paul said, "...do works befitting repentance" (Acts 26:20).

This would mean you must stop any verbal or physical abuse. Ask God to control your explosive anger. Resume regular sexual relations. If you are involved with another man or woman, cut this relationship off today. This is what real repentance does!

5. Do preventive maintenance daily.
So often couples begin to work out their differences and then one of the two will revert to the same old habits. This quenches the love between them, and the whole unhealthy process starts all over again. You must guard against this with all your heart.

As you build a good fire by constant vigilance and attention, so you must be diligent to show your kindness and affection. This is a daily work. This is what love does. It works! Paul called it the "labor of love" (1 Thess. 1:3). If you love your spouse, you will put time and effort into building depth into your relationship. God loves you very much, and He has been at work for a long time to draw you to Himself. The work of the Cross was His labor of love for you. Yet, His labor of love is a daily action as well; He daily loads you with benefits (Ps. 68:19). This is what He wants you to do with your spouse. Daily stoke the fire of your love together! Daily reconcile the conflicts that arise! Demonstrate your love today!

Safeguarding Your Marriage From Immorality

Have you ever considered how a person falls into an adulterous relationship? Is there anything you can do to safeguard your relationship against this evil trap that has consumed so many marriages? How can you formulate a plan of action so that when this temptation comes your way you will have a hedge of protection?

Beware of thinking, Adultery would never happen in my marriage. Over the years many have made this statement to me in counseling. However, I am sad to say that some of those same individuals, who thought themselves invincible, have fallen into immorality. They sit before me with heads hanging to their chests, the weight of condemnation on their backs, and my heart goes out to them. It is so heart-wrenching to watch the tears stream down the face of a betrayed partner and to hear those awful words, "How could you?" This searching question is usually met with a blank stare by the offending spouse.

When this situation arises in counseling, I usually ask the person who has fallen to summarize for me how it all happened. I explain that I don’t want all the sordid details, but only the general steps that were taken, in order that he or she might understand the mechanics of the failure. My reasoning is this: if people don’t understand how and why they have stumbled, how will they ever protect themselves against future temptation?

Beloved, if you will heed these words, this heartache will never occur in your life and you will spare yourself immeasurable grief. Let me discuss the danger signs that can warn you of impending disaster as well as instructions given in Scripture to keep you from immorality.

What leads a person into an adulterous relationship?

1. A series of choices. Each of the following principles entails a choice. Every decision you make is either a step down the path that leads to adultery or to a wholesome relationship. Solomon has given many instructions regarding immorality and acknowledges this truth when he describes the choice of an adulterous man: "He took the path to her house" (Prov. 7:8). Solomon doesn’t try to shift the blame to the woman or to his circumstances. He merely emphasizes the choice made. I believe that there are many influences that draw a person into immorality, but in the final analysis, it is always one’s choices that determine ultimate victory or wickedness. If you are a Christian, God’s fundamental command for every decision you make is to "choose what pleases Me" (Is. 56:4).

2. Feeding an unholy attraction. Each of you know when you sense an attraction to someone of the opposite sex. You have a built-in antenna for detecting and interpreting someone’s second look in your direction or any flirtatious behavior. However, God initially made men and women attractive to each other to bring about loving and wholesome marital relationships. Nevertheless, Solomon acknowledges the power of attraction gone awry when he declares that "the lips of an immoral woman drip honey, and her mouth is smoother than oil" (Prov. 5:3).

Therefore, what do you do to quench an unholy attraction when you detect it? You must first choose to recognize this passion and do nothing to feed it. This means that when you are flirted with, you don’t flirt back. When undue attention is given to you, politely remove yourself from the person’s presence. Make sure that you are never alone with him or her. If you never spend time alone together you will greatly affect the feeding of this unholy relationship.

3. Playing with the thoughts. Another determining factor in your path is what you allow in your mind. You may be able to stay away from a person you sense an attraction to, but what about your thought life? You can still feed this illicit attraction in your mind. If unchecked, your thought life will ultimately stumble you.

Paul warns us that the mind is the real battleground when it comes to the struggles in life. He encourages us to bring "every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ" (2 Cor. 10:5). "Whatever things are just, whatever things are pure…if there is any virtue…meditate on these things" (Phil. 4:8). Again, this is a choice. If you are ever to be victorious against the desires of your fleshly nature, you can’t play with the thoughts of an adulterous relationship in your mind. If you do, it’s only a matter of time before a tempting opportunity comes along and you will act upon these thoughts.

4. Not dealing with your lust. Solomon also warns his son concerning the power of unchecked desires. He instructs: "Do not lust after her beauty in your heart, nor let her allure you with her eyelids…Can a man take fire to his bosom, and his clothes not be burned?" (Prov. 6:25,27).

Lustful thoughts and desires are powerful. In fact, your lust is stronger than your will to resist. Paul recognizes his own weakness as he struggles with these impulses. "For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh) nothing good dwells; for to will is present with me, but how to perform what is good I do not find" (Rom. 7:18). Paul had the will to resist his fleshly desires, but he lacked the power to actually perform what he knew was right. The good news is that he later came to understand that the power of the Holy Spirit ruling in his life was his only path to victory. He reveals this truth as he encourages the Galatian church to "walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh" (Gal. 5:16). The only way to effectively resist the desires of your flesh is by acknowledging your own weakness and by being filled daily with the Holy Spirit. You must live and walk in total dependence upon His mighty power if you are to overcome. Be confident, the Holy Spirit is stronger than your nature to sin. Have you experienced this overcoming power?

5. Denying the voice of conscience. At the same time that a person is choosing to play with an unholy attraction and failing to resist lustful desires, another fatal error is occurring. All of these choices entail a further decision to resist that jab of conscience which occurs every step you take toward the door of adultery. This denial of the voice of conscience is what causes a person’s heart to slowly harden and assures that he or she will finally fall.

The conscience is like a warning light on the dash of your car that flashes to let you know something is wrong with your engine. This warning light of conscience is within your mind. Paul describes this mechanism of conscience as operating through your thoughts either accusing you or excusing you (Rom. 2:15). If you choose to violate God’s Word or what you know is correct behavior, your conscience accuses you. If you obey God, your conscience excuses you and you feel good inside. If people deny and resist this inner conviction long enough they will ultimately "suffer shipwreck" in their faith which results in disobedient behavior (1 Tim. 1:18-20).

Therefore, if you are sensing your conscience accusing you right now concerning any attraction you have, or you know that you have thoughts and desires toward someone that are inappropriate, you have a decision to make. Will you receive this conviction or will you turn it away? I can assure you that what you are reading right now is God’s outstretched hand attempting to turn you away from the pathway of moral failure that will destroy all that you care about and love. Won’t you respond now before it’s too late?

6. Believing lies. There are many lies that a person must believe before an adulterous relationship can occur. What are they?

First, you must believe that this action is somehow the only way you can experience the love and affection that you are not receiving in your present marital relationship. Solomon warns his son that an adulterous woman would say, "Come, let us take our fill of love until morning; let us delight ourselves with love" (Prov. 7:18). In reality, this action is not love, but an act of selfishness and lust. I can also guarantee that your spouse will surely not interpret your adultery as an act of love.

In addition, you must also believe the lie that you can get away with this behavior and that no one will find out. At some point, you will think: "‘My husband is not at home…and will come home on the appointed day.’ With her enticing speech she caused him to yield" (Prov. 7:19-21). However, in my experience with counseling marriages, sooner or later this deceit comes to light. It is extremely rare for adultery to remain hidden for very long because God in His mercy and great love for you exposes it to the light, so that you will repent.

Don’t believe that you can commit adultery and bear no consequences. There are always consequences to sin. Solomon explains the consequences to this sin: "Immediately he went after her, as an ox goes to the slaughter, or as a fool to the correction of the stocks, till an arrow struck his liver. As a bird hastens to the snare, he did not know it would take his life" (Prov. 7:22-23). If you commit adultery, it will become like a noose around your neck that will choke the life from your relationship with God and any that remains in your marriage.

Solomon ends his warning to his son by pleading for him to listen to his wisdom. "Do not let your heart turn aside to her ways. Do not stray into her paths; for she has cast down many wounded, and all who were slain by her were strong men. Her house is the way to hell, descending to the chambers of death" (Proverbs 7:25-27).

Brothers and sisters, please don’t think you will be the only one who will be able to violate God’s commands and come out unscathed. All who yield to immorality think they are strong and that they will escape the consequences. Please don’t be deceived by these lies.

7. Unmet personal needs. One of the fundamental reasons adultery occurs is because people believe their partner is not meeting their spiritual, emotional, or physical needs. Consequently, when another person begins to show some interest and affection, the unfulfilled spouse believes all the lies that I have previously described and takes the opportunity to find what is missing in the marriage.

This issue of meeting your spouse’s needs in marriage is the fundamental purpose of marriage. The prophet Malachi explicitly teaches that your partner is to be "your companion" (Mal. 2:14). The word companion means someone with whom you are knit together, describing a oneness in which both partners’ needs are met. In the same verse, Malachi equates failing to fulfill this need for companionship with dealing "treacherously" with your spouse. The word treacherously, means to behave unfaithfully.

Therefore, when a spouse commits adultery, both parties usually have fault. However, please do not misunderstand. I am not saying that because your spouse is unfaithful in meeting your needs that you are justified in being unfaithful. There is no justification for being unfaithful in God’s eyes. Yet it is important to recognize the fact that Scripture also defines unfaithfulness as not meeting your mate’s needs as sin too. The ultimate solution to this problem is to simply look for every avenue possible in which you can deepen companionship with your mate by meeting his or her needs in order to safeguard your marriage.

What keeps a person from an adulterous relationship?

1. Don’t over-estimate your strength. If you want to keep yourself from a moral fall in your personal life, beware of this error. Paul warned the Corinthian church that over-confidence in themselves is what caused many of the moral problems they experienced. "Let him who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall" (1 Cor. 10:12).

What do you think about yourself? Do you think you are strong and unable to fall in the area of immorality? Remember, many "strong" individuals have yielded to this temptation (Prov. 7:27). Think of King David. He was a man who sought God with his whole heart. Yet, in the latter part of his life, he grew over-confident and fell with Bathsheba. Therefore, beware lest you think that you can allow yourself to get into tempting situations and not get entangled.

What causes this over-confidence in self? It begins with a proud, self-reliant attitude. You will think, Not me. I would never do that. Remember, Scripture teaches that "pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall" (Prov. 16:18). Therefore, examine your heart and humbly ask God for an honest appraisal of yourself.

This haughty attitude is usually fueled by an inadequate understanding of the power of your sinful nature. We all like to think that we are stronger than we are, even though we fail so often. Think of the areas in your life right now in which you are struggling with the power of your flesh. This should convince you of just how weak you are when it comes to resisting the passions of your fallen nature. Therefore, don’t ever get over-confident, but recognize that your fleshly desires are stronger than you are.

2. Deal with your lustful thoughts and desires quickly. The speed with which you deal with your thoughts and desires is essential for victory. Lustful thoughts and desires are where all your troubles begin; therefore, resist them immediately. Paul encouraged Timothy to "flee…youthful lusts" (2 Tim. 2:22). This is the only way to deal with your desires effectively and victoriously. How do you flee these thoughts and desires?

First, recognize these thoughts as sin. When you are having sexual or romantic thoughts about another person, violently reject them. Solomon warned that even "the thought of foolishness is sin" (Prov. 24:9 KJV). James explained that when we are tempted, we have two issues to deal with: 1.) being drawn away by our own desires and 2.) enticed (James 1:14).

Paul the apostle, therefore, teaches that your mind is intricately connected to the desires of the flesh. He explains that as you "put off" these fleshly thoughts you will be "renewed in the spirit of your mind" and kept from fulfilling evil, which is our very nature (Eph. 4:22-23).

Third, resist Satan in prayer. The Devil, called the tempter in Scripture, is constantly seeking to entice you to fulfill the lusts of the flesh (Matt. 4:3). Therefore, when you are being tempted, continually "resist the devil and he will flee from you" (James 4:7).

3. Confess to a trustworthy friend and ask for prayer. As you confess your struggle with temptation to a trusted friend, you receive help in many ways. First, your confession allows a friend to counsel and encourage you with the Word of God. As this friend applies the Scripture to your life, light exposes this work of darkness for what it is, a lie. Sin always promises something that it can’t deliver. That is why Paul called sin deceitful (Heb. 3:13). "The entrance of Your word gives light; It gives understanding to the simple" (Ps. 119:130). In addition, once you ask for help, you now have someone who can keep you accountable if the temptation persists. However, the most important strength you receive will be from his or her prayer support. James commands: "Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another…the effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much" (James 5:16). If you want the energetic and caring prayer support of a trusted friend that has the ability to avail much, you first must take the step to confess your need. Don’t neglect this assistance!

4. Flee the situation. Once you’ve dealt with your lustful thoughts and desires and found some good counsel, you must then take action to remove yourself from the actual temptation. Not only do your thoughts and desires lead you to sin, your behavior does also. If you find yourself alone with a tempting person, you must flee from the situation. This literally means to put as much space as possible between you and him or her. In some circumstances taking this action will be quite easy. However, in other situations it may involve taking drastic action such as: not hiring a secretary that you are attracted to, not taking a job where an interviewer has made sexual or inappropriate comments, or not talking to someone at church who always wants to hug you.

This principle of fleeing from a tempting situation is not a sign of weakness, but of wisdom and strength. This what Joseph did with Potiphar’s wife. He knew this was his only hope if he was to overcome the situation (Gen. 39:7-12). Proverbs warns us that the wise man "sees danger and takes refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it" (Proverbs 22:3 NIV). Are you involved in a dangerous relationship or have an acquaintance that poses temptation? If you do nothing and continue in the same direction, be assured, you will suffer for it.

5. Feast on the Word of God. Another fundamental key to victory over immorality is a strong personal relationship with the Lord. After Paul the apostle warned Timothy to flee temptation, he encouraged him "to pursue righteousness, godliness, faith…" (1 Tim. 6:11). The pursuit of God is your greatest safeguard against the temptation of immorality.

One of the best ways to pursue righteousness and godliness is by planting God’s Word in your heart on a daily basis. Notice that this is exactly what Solomon tells his son to do, "My son, keep my words, and treasure my commands within you. Keep my commands and live, and my law as the apple of your eye. Bind them on your fingers; Write them on the tablet of your heart… that they may keep you from the immoral woman, from the seductress who flatters with her words" (Prov. 7:1-5).

How does treasuring God’s commands keep you from immorality? It’s very simple. Paul teaches that Scripture is useful for "teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness" (2 Tim. 3:16 NIV). In other words, if you will spend time studying God’s Word on a daily basis, the Holy Spirit can use it to teach you by rebuking and correcting your thoughts and heart attitudes. As the Word of God works inside you everyday, you will be drawn to what is good and convicted of evil thoughts and behavior. Don’t miss this important weapon.

6. Consider the consequences. Consequences are one of the important issues addressed throughout the Proverbs of Solomon. Consequences of our actions are essential to learning God’s ways. If you choose to disregard the warnings and instruction of God’s Word, the consequences will bring you back to reality the hard way. Solomon wanted his son to think realistically about any possible immoral actions by saying, "Can one walk on hot coals, and his feet not be seared?" (Prov. 6:28).

Therefore, the next time the thought comes into your mind What would it be like to sleep with him (or her)? Think again, What would it be like to have to face my spouse and children, to confess this moral failure? What would it be like to lose a lifelong partner just for a few minutes of pleasure? What would it be like to lose my ministry and witness as a believer? What would it be like to forfeit the respect of my friends and family? These are the real life consequences you would have to face. Therefore, face the reality of the consequences now. If you don’t want the consequences, then don’t start down the immoral path.

7. Make your relationship with your spouse fresh and exciting. The simplest and most important safeguard revealed by Solomon is given to us in Proverbs 5:15-20. There Solomon’s son is encouraged to work hard at finding complete satisfaction in his physical relationship with his wife. He is told to "rejoice with the wife of your youth…let her breasts satisfy you at all times and always be enraptured with her love. For why should you, my son, be enraptured by an immoral woman, and be embraced in the arms of a seductress?" (v 18-20). The word enraptured means to be intoxicated and stimulated.

Solomon’s reasoning is very simple. If you are intoxicated and satisfied at home with your spouse, why would you ever look outside your marriage? When you have a companion at home that excites you, an unholy attraction has much less appeal. But, the question is, are you promoting this kind of relationship with your spouse? If you don’t want your mate attracted to someone else, then your daily responsibility entails giving yourself to becoming a companion that is attractive spiritually, emotionally, and physically. You should labor to keep your relationship exciting, romantic, and fresh. To create this kind of relationship you will have to get out of your routine and work hard to stay imaginative in your marriage. Don’t ever underestimate the power of excitement and romance to keep your relationship fresh and alive. This excitement for each other is what drew you together and it can electrify the relationship again. All you need to do is simply begin doing the same things you did when you first dated. Spend time with each other, communicate your love and affection, pray with each other, meet one another’s needs, and watch the excitement return and your relationship grow. Remember, if you love each other like this, the attraction for a substitute will always pale in comparison.

What Is God's Design And Calling For You As A Husband?

One of the greatest needs within the family today is for men to stand up and fulfill their God-given responsibilities as husbands. As the man within your home, you have been entrusted with another person's life, your wife's, and to be faithful to that calling before God should be your greatest concern.

Have you ever wondered exactly what God's design and calling is for you as a husband? Do you know what your responsibilities are as a husband and how to fulfill them? Do you know, in a practical sense, what it means to be the head of your home? These are some of the questions I would like to deal with in this article.

First, with all the many voices speaking about marriage today, how can you be sure that you are acting correctly and fulfilling God's design for you as a husband? Is there any example you can follow to be sure you are in harmony with God's design? Yes, there is such a person you can follow that will forever be the model of what a man should be: Jesus Christ! Paul reveals this absolute for men when he wrote, "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for it..." (Eph. 5:25). Here, Paul declares that Christ is our ultimate example of how to love our wives. Therefore, this is your calling before God. Love your wife as Christ loved, not just with words, but in giving yourself sacrificially as He did for you.

Before I explain in practical terms how His example should be followed, let me first deal with an issue that I know will be in some of your minds. When I have told some men that Christ must be their example, many have responded to me, "How can I love my wife like Jesus

Christ? I'm just a man, how can God expect me to do what He did?" Yes it is true, you are just a man; but there is more. You must also remember, that if you are a Christian, you are a man enabled by His powerful Holy Spirit. God has chosen to fill you with His Spirit to bring about a supernatural work in your life. He has the ability to completely change you that you might be "conformed to the image of His Son" (Rom. 8:29). This is what will enable you to love your wife just as Christ loves. Be assured that what God commands you to do, He will also enable you to do.

Yet, God's purpose and plan to conform you into the image of His Son can only be accomplished by your complete surrender to His Spirit. Paul explained how this change occurs to the Corinthian church, "We all...beholding...the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image ... by the Spirit of the Lord" (2 Cor. 3:18). Therefore, the transforming work of the Holy Spirit is what changes you into His image. This is how your Heavenly Father enables you to become the husband He is calling you to be. God's design is to first change you, then the changes He requires in your marriage will be a natural result.

But the question is, are you willing to allow the Spirit of God to transform you, or will you fight Him every step of the way? Have you fully surrendered

yourself to Christ to allow Him to begin to work? Completely yielding your life to the Father is where you must begin if you want to bring your marriage into harmony with God's design. This decision to surrender is not a one-time choice but a continual one. Paul said, the inward man must be renewed "day by day" (2 Cor. 4:16). If you are seeking God daily for His transformation and renewal in your heart, then begin by asking God to reveal to you specifically where and how He wants to change you so that you might more completely follow the example of Christ. Jesus said "I have given you an example, that you should do as I have done to you" (John 13:15). Therefore, let's look at the life of Christ. Let Him speak to your heart as you continue to read this article; allow Him to bring conviction and the desire for change wherever it's needed.
How can Jesus be an example to you as a husband?

1. He was under the authority of God. Jesus declared His purpose to be under the authority of the Father when He said, "I do not seek My own will but the will of the Father who sent me" (John 5:30). Jesus was a man who continually submitted Himself to the Father, to serve Him and fulfill His purpose and plan; He didn't come to fulfill His own selfish desires. His life-long surrender to the authority of God was the key to His life and example. Jesus showed us by His example that a man must first be submitted to a higher authority if he is ever to fulfill God's design and purpose in life. People followed His leadership because they could immediately see that He didn't have a selfish agenda. Jesus spoke the words of God; not His own. He served others; not Himself.

Likewise, if you want your wife to follow your leadership, she must first see that you are a man under the authority of God. Does your wife see that your personal life is under the control of the Father? Is God's word and will the basis of your decisions, or does she see a man who makes decisions based on selfish motives for his own ends? Do you demonstrate a no-compromise lifestyle with this world, or does she see a man who covets things more than God and His kingdom? Before Paul ever taught on the responsibilities of the husband-wife relationship, he first declared this essential: reverence to the authority of God. He explains that both husband and wife must be "submitting to one another in the fear of God" (Eph. 5:21). Are you sincerely submitting yourself to God and do you reverence and fear Him? Only as your wife sees this will she willingly submit and trust your leadership in the home.

2. He was a spiritual leader. Jesus embraced leadership to provide salvation for the entire world. He came to pay the penalty for man's sin and open the door of fellowship with the Father. Christ didn't wait for the world to see its need and come to Him, He stepped forward and initiated contact with man and proclaimed the word of salvation. He lead the way for each of us to be saved by His death and resurrection.

As a husband, you are also called to take spiritual leadership with your wife and family. Paul explains to husbands that Jesus gave Himself for the church "...that He might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word..." (Eph. 5:25,26). Here is your example. When Christ came to proclaim the Word of God, He was sanctifying or setting apart His people for a personal relationship with Himself. Are you following this example to set your wife and family apart? Does your godly influence truly make your home different and set apart from a non-Christian home?

How can you follow Christ's example of spiritual leadership and set your wife and family apart? First, you must have a passion for the things of God and especially the Word of God. Remember Jesus sanctified the church with His Word. Yet, before you can ever minister the Word to your wife and family, you must become a student of the Word yourself, and allow it to sanctify you. As you surrender to the Scriptures, spiritual leadership naturally follows because you are placing yourself under God's authority by yielding to His instruction. It then will become natural for you to initiate conversation regarding spiritual things with your wife and children. As God speaks to you from His Word, you can share with your wife what you are learning, and ask her to explain what she is learning from her devotional time. As you do this the spiritual fellowship between you will blossom and grow. You can also sanctify your wife by initiating prayer with her and for her. James said, "The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much" (James 5:16). Do you believe this? If you do, make her your prayer partner. As you pray for one another and for others, the oneness God intends for your marriage will become a reality.

Spiritual leadership should also be taken with your children. At night when your children go to bed, as often as you can, lead them in prayer. In the same manner, several times a week you should lead a devotional with your children. If you are ever to impart to your children the importance of God's Word, they must see that you consider it important enough to communicate it to them. On Sunday mornings and Wednesday evenings, you can suggest going to church. As you take spiritual leadership in this way, you will not only be following the example of Christ, but you can be used of God to instill within your family's hearts a passion for Jesus.

3. He sought companionship. Jesus was also an example as He sought men and women out for real companionship. Jesus plainly declared that He came "to seek and to save" men and women who were lost (Luke 1910). He first sought out twelve disciples that He might be with them as an example and teacher. Yet Jesus also called them His "friends" and they became companions for more than three years (John 15:14). Yet, Jesus had more than just twelve men in mind when He spoke of friends. He had all of those who would come to faith in Him through His disciples' preaching. Fellowship and friendship with God is the primary purpose of salvation. Paul said that we have been "called into the fellowship of His Son, Jesus Christ our Lord" (1 Cor. 1:9).

Likewise, fellowship and companionship with your wife is the primary purpose of your marriage relationship. The Scripture declares that your wife is to be "your companion" (Mal. 2:14). The Hebrew word for companion means one with whom you are knit together. She is to be your best friend and closest companion for life. In the Old Testament, the Shulamite said of her husband Solomon, "This is my beloved, and this is my friend" (Song of Solomon 5:16). Husbands, are you following this example of Christ and pursuing friendship and companionship with your spouse? How can you do this?

Begin by looking for ways to spend time together, just you and her. You sought this companionship with her before you were married on a daily basis. You searched diligently for times to see one another while putting everything and everyone on the waiting list. But, men have said to me many times, "We never seem to ever find the time to be together anymore." You will never find the time, you must make the time to be together. It means reordering your priorities to put her first on your list today, not on the waiting list. You always have time for the things you really want to do. The question is, do you truly see this as an essential ingredient for a good marriage? Do you see your wife as the number one priority of your life? If you do, you will make the time for companionship and friendship will begin to grow again. Taking the leadership in your relationship will mean that you will initiate this action.

4. He was a communicator. Jesus further explained what you do with a friend and companion. He said, "I do not call you servants...I have called you friends, for all things that I heard from My Father I Have made known to you" (John 15:15). Jesus made it clear that a real friend and companion is worth communicating all you have in your heart. Obviously, from Scripture we see that Jesus did just that, He communicated with the disciples all that the Father had given Him because He loved them and treasured their friendship.

Men often complain that they just can't communicate the way their wives want them to. They say these things as if there is no hope for change, but this is simply not true. Men can be very good communicators if they truly want to be and are willing to ask the Great Communicator for help. Paul said, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Phil. 4:13). Men, you can become the communicator your wife longs for you to be if you will allow Christ to teach and strengthen you. If you are not a very communicative person, here are some ways that you can change this:

First, acknowledge that it is God's desire that you become a better communicator because this is an obvious reflection of Christ's heart. Then, ask God for His help and motivation. He longs to work "in you both to will and do for His good pleasure" (Phil. 2:13). Set time aside on a daily basis just to communicate with your spouse. Remember, you must choose to make the time to communicate, or it will never occur. For example, when you come home from work, before you read the newspaper or begin an evening in front of the television, begin a conversation with her. Go and sit in the kitchen as she is making dinner, or wherever she is, and ask how her day went. Then share how your day went. Talk over what God spoke to you that day in your devotional time. Discuss the plans for tomorrow and the weekend. Resolve any issues together that have come up that day with the children. If doing this before dinner is not a good time for conversation, wait until after you eat. Just be sure that before you begin your agenda for the evening, you seek to be a companion by communicating.

What you communicate while you are together is also important. Take the time to daily communicate your love for your wife. Jesus wasn't embarrassed or afraid to tell His disciples that He loved them. He said, "As the Father has loved Me, I also have loved you" (John 15:9). How long has it been since you have taken your wife in your arms and told her how much you love her and how precious she is to you? If you don't verbalize your love, aren't you communicating that she is not very important to you? When you fail to spend time together to build companionship you are communicating to your spouse that your relationship is not as special as it was when you were dating. Renew your interest in her and the excitement of being together will be restored.

When you purpose to make your wife your companion and are spending time with one another, growth in communication is a natural result. The problem is that many times we allow other things to take priority in our relationship. Is she your first priority?

5. He was a servant to others. When Jesus bowed to wash His disciples' feet, He was taking the place of a slave. He was demonstrating, in the most visual way possible, what it would require to be His follower. Jesus said that He came not "to be served, but to serve" (Mark 10:45). This was the heart of Christ!

Yet, many men object to taking this place of a servant in their homes. They declare to me, "I'm the head of my home and she is to be my helpmate; isn't she suppose to serve me?" No. That attitude does not reflect the heart of Jesus. In reality, both husband and wife are to serve one another. Paul said of all believers, "...through love serve one another" (Gal. 5:13). Yet, as the head of your home, this essentially makes you the head servant...

Service to your wife is love demonstrated by such things as sharing in the household chores when your wife needs a break, caring for the children when she wants to go out with a girl friend, running an errand, or cooking a meal when she is sick. I use these examples because so often I have heard complaints from wives that their husbands refuse to do such things. How about you? Are you following Christ's example of service in your home?

6. He understood others. In every word Jesus spoke and every action that He took, you always have the sense that Jesus understood all things. Scripture tells us that because He came in human flesh He can "sympathize with our weaknesses" because He "was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin" (Heb. 4:15). The word sympathize literally means to have compassion. Jesus understands all of the needs and struggles we have as human beings and has compassion on us as a result.

Understanding is also what the Scriptures encourage husbands to have toward their wives. Peter said, "Likewise you husbands, dwell with them with understanding..." (1 Peter 3:7). This word understanding means to know something by investigation or inquiry. This means that if you are to follow the example of Christ and obey this command you must begin investigating and inquiring about your wife. By doing so you will gain tremendous insight and compassion for her and her daily needs.

How do you go about doing this? Understanding of your spouse is, of course, a life-long pursuit that is the result of lots of companionship time and frequent communication over the important as well as the minor things of life. You must care enough to regularly inquire and investigate such things as how she is doing spiritually, what her personal struggles are, what her fears are; how you can help and better support her. This will entail active listening and remembering what she has said for future reference about her likes and dislikes, and for taking the appropriate actions to meet her needs.

Men have said to me, "I just don't understand her and why she feels the way she does." Have you ever said or thought this? If so, you need to get to work and begin to investigate and inquire in order to gain a better understanding. I am absolutely sure you can understand your wife. Why? Because the Apostle John said, "...the Son of God has come and given us an understanding that we might know Him that is true" (1 John 5:20). If God has opened your heart to know Him, by breaking through the misunderstanding you once had about Christ, He can surely open your heart to know and understand your wife. All you have to do is ask God to help you. The disciples did not understand some of the things Jesus taught them because they "were afraid to ask Him" (Mark 9:32). Don't let fear or pride hinder you from asking the Lord for a heart to understand your wife. Remember Solomon asked for an "understanding heart" for the people, and God granted it (1 Kings 3:9). Acknowledge to your wife that you need more understanding of her. Then, pray together that God would grant you both understanding hearts for each other. The result will be a house that is truly established and built to last. "Through wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established" (Prov. 24:3).

7. He honored others. In 1 Peter 3:7 the apostle goes on to say that you should not only dwell with understanding, but you should also be "giving honor to the wife as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers be not hindered." What does it mean to honor your wife? The word honor means to esteem one as precious or valuable. Again, Jesus is the ultimate example of this kind of love and care by His life of service to others and His sacrificial death on the cross. He esteemed you and me as so precious that He gave His precious blood to redeem us to Himself (1 Peter 1:18,19).

How can you honor your wife in this same way? By giving of yourself in all of the ways I have described in this article: put Christ first as the authority in your life, be the spiritual example in your home, possess a servant's heart, communicate, be a companion, and gain understanding of her so you can meet her needs. All of these actions require unselfish love. This is how Paul defined honor in Romans 12:10. "Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another." Give her preference through your unselfish love, and she will surely believe you count her as precious and valuable.

8. He refused to use force. Jesus never forced His will upon anybody for anything because this would have been against the divine nature of love. Real love and force can never co-exist; they are mutually exclusive. Jesus always made relationship with Himself an issue of personal invitation and choice. The last invitation in the Bible declares, "Let him who thirsts come. And whoever desires, let him take the water of life freely" (Rev. 22:17). The Father calls and then waits for you to come into agreement with Him concerning the truth. The Scriptures teach us that "if we confess (agree with Him concerning) our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins..." (1 John 1:9). Therefore, He will not force you to come nor will He force you to repent. With His love He draws you to come into agreement with Him just as He moved the people of Israel. "I drew them with gentle cords, with bands of love" (Hosea 11:4).

This is a critical part of Christ's example if you intend to be the husband God wants you to be. You cannot ever force your leadership upon your wife. She must willingly agree to submit to it just as much as you must willingly submit to Christ. So, ask yourself, why do I willingly submit to the leadership of Jesus? Is it not because of His tender heart of love toward you exemplified through His sacrificial life and death on the cross? Jesus doesn't have to force His will upon you because you are convinced of His unconditional love and patience toward you, His mercy regarding your failures, and His interest in you as His number one priority. You naturally want to surrender to Him and His authority over your life because you are absolutely confident of these facts.

Therefore, instead of forcing your will upon your wife, become an example of Christ's leadership and lovingly seek agreement with her over all the issues that divide you. Paul advocated solving problems in this very manner in the context of sexual issues. He told the men and women of the Corinthian church not to defraud one another "except with consent..." then, "come together again..." (1 Cor. 7:5). The word consent in this verse means to come to an agreement. Notice, Paul doesn't encourage the husband to force his will upon his wife to gain her consent. He wanted couples to lovingly agree together to find a solution. If this is the way you are to make decisions in the most intimate facet of your marriage, how much more should this be the rule in lesser aspects. Therefore, love seeks to find agreement and never uses force.

Husbands, if you will begin to follow the example of Christ and love your wife in this manner, her heart will safely trust in you and your leadership of the family. But, if you fail to possess these attitudes and actions, there will be nothing you can say that will cause your wife to follow your leadership.

What Is God's Design And Calling For You As A Wife?

Today, a wife's role within the family is a much debated issue with many contrary views and opinions. One view declares that being a wife in the traditional and biblical sense degrades a woman to an inferior position, while others believe that a wife's role is equal to her husband in every way, a position of great worth and value. Who is right? What should the role of a wife be and how can she practically fulfill this role? Have you ever wondered what God's design is for you in your marriage, and how God wants you to fulfill your calling in a manner that pleases Him?

These are some of the questions that must be answered by a Christian woman if she is to understand and fulfill her essential role within marriage. Therefore, let's look at what the Bible declares about these issues and see what God has called you to be.

1. Be a helper. The very first thing the Bible teaches concerning the role of a wife is that she is to be her husband's helper. After God created Adam He said, "It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him" (Gen. 2:18). This word helper means one who is sent to support and aid another. It is important to note that if God says you are to be a helper, then it stands to reason that your husband needs help. From the beginning, God knew that man alone was incomplete in his abilities to parent and raise a family. He needed the help of another to reproduce and ultimately fulfill all the responsibilities within the family. Woman was created to be his perfect helper to fulfill a special design that only she could accomplish. God created woman with unique emotional, intellectual, and physical abilities to enable her to fulfill her husband's need for help.

But, does this role as your husband's helper mean that you are inferior to him? Doesn't this role as a helper imply a second-class position in the marriage relationship? Not at all! The Scripture reveals that God is our "Helper" and has sent "another Helper" in the person of the Holy Spirit to abide with us forever (Ps. 54:4) (John 14:16). Obviously, God isn't inferior to man simply because He wants to help us. Therefore, neither should you consider your position as helper degrading to your person in any way. On the contrary, you should see your role as one who has come along side of your husband to work with him to meet the needs of your family. Therefore, your marriage should be viewed as if you were participating in a team sport. You must always remember that to be a part of a winning team you need the help of every player or the entire team fails. This is also what makes a winning marriage.

You should also notice that the Father declared that the woman would be comparable to man. God didn't create Eve better than Adam nor did he make her to be inferior to him, but one comparable and equal to him. The word comparable means one who is a counterpart or the other side of a matched pair. Therefore, the woman was created to be the perfect complement to her husband, like two matched gloves, one the counterpart of the other.

To fulfill God's design for you as a wife will entail understanding where and how you can become a complement to your husband. To determine this, you must find out where your husband needs help, support, or your team effort. Finding this need and meeting it is fundamental to experiencing the satisfaction God intends for you as a wife. This need will most likely change from day to day, but God wants to give you eyes to see the

need and a heart to fulfill it. Does your husband need your spiritual encouragement because of some personal struggle occurring at this time in his life? Could he use your counsel over a difficult decision that he is about to make regarding his job or business? Is your husband in need of help with organization at home? You are the best one to help him with this need because you know him better than anyone else, which enables you to be his greatest helper. Remember, Solomon said "Two are better than one...woe to him who is alone" (Ecc. 4:9.10).

2. Be a virtuous wife. The Scripture asks the question "Who can find a virtuous wife?" Then declares "For her worth is far above rubies. The heart of her husband safety trusts her" (Prov. 31:10,11). The word virtuous means one who possesses strength and substance. As you read the rest of Proverbs 31 you learn the characteristics that made her a woman of strength and substance and how these actions greatly affected her marriage. Notice that King Lemuel acknowledges that her worth is far above rubies. The word worth literally means if you had to pay for this kind of service it would be incredibly expensive; far above the cost of rubies. Scripture therefore reveals that a virtuous wife is far from an inferior position in a marriage. You are worth more than his paycheck could sustain!

The strength of a virtuous wife is revealed in her character as well as in the service that she renders toward others. She is very competent and industrious in the affairs of her home so that her husband may safely trust her decisions. Her actions show godly wisdom, and true kindness marks all the choices she makes. This ultimately gains her the praise of her husband and children.

This is the kind of wife God is calling you to be. But, what creates this character, strength, and virtue in your life? The answer is found at the end of this chapter when King Lemuel states "Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised" (Prov. 31:30). Here is where the strength of character comes from; her personal reverence and fear of God. The fear of God is a necessary attitude required for any wife to have the strength of character that will enable her to lead a life pleasing to God. The fear of the Lord is what motivates us to "hate evil" and "perfect holiness" in our personal life (Prov. 8:13) (2 Cor. 7:1).

Do you want to become a virtuous wife? If you do, then you must surrender your life to Christ and ask Him to fill you with this reverent attitude toward the Father. Ask God for a hatred for that evil or sinful habit that captivates you at this moment. Begin to pursue God by seeking Him daily in His Word and petitioning Him for true holiness of heart. As you do, the strength of character and virtue you desire will naturally begin to change your life.

3. Be a prudent wife. Solomon declared that "Houses and riches are an inheritance from fathers, but a prudent wife is from the Lord" (Prov. 19:14). What does it mean to be a prudent wife? The word prudent means one who is wise and understanding. Fathers give the gift of an inheritance in material wealth, but when God desires to give a gift of real worth, He gives a wise and understanding wife. Notice again, a wife is portrayed in Scripture far from being worthless, but compared to the greatest inheritance that could be given by man.

Also, it is interesting that God commands husbands to dwell with their spouses "with understanding, giving honor to the wife as to the weaker vessel" (1 Peter 3:7). But, notice in the previous passage in Proverbs that you are required to be understanding too. These two verses balance each other and encourage both spouses to give one of the most essential qualities for a good marriage; understanding.

Therefore, if God wants you to understand your husband, how do you gain this insight? So often men express to me that their wives don't understand them. How about you, do you understand your husband's needs, his weaknesses, and his strengths? This understanding is what will enable you to be a strong and effective helper and the counterpart your husband needs.

What are some of the possible needs your husband might have, and how would you determine them? The best way to find out what his needs might be is to simply ask him. Why not ask him, "Where can I better meet your needs? Where do I need a greater understanding of you and the pressures you face?" When you ask these kinds of questions, you are immediately bridging the gap between the real differences that exist between you and your spouse.

Men and women differ radically in their make up. You are physically and hormonally different; you communicate differently; you have distinct social and sexual needs; and you both express love very differently. With all these differences you need lots of understanding of the man you married. As you gain this understanding of him you will naturally be brought closer to one another. If you reverse the process and insist on your way all the time, you only make the differences more apparent and widen the gap between you. Therefore, seek to understand your husband and what his real needs are, be willing to give to meet these needs; this is God's design for your marriage.

4. Be a submissive wife. I know for some of you, as you read the word submission, you are becoming very uneasy. If the idea of submission rubs you the wrong way, I want to encourage you to take another look at the definition according to Scripture. Submission should never be considered a word that denotes inferiority or a position that is contemptible to you. If this is your belief, let me assure you that your understanding of this issue is not a biblical one. Submission is something that we all have to learn in every aspect of our lives. You must learn to submit to the laws of this country whether they are traffic laws or our criminal code. If you work outside the home you must submit to your employer and his or her requests. When you went to school you had to learn submission to the teacher when an assignment was given. When you go to the doctor with an illness, you must choose whether or not you will submit to your physician's diagnosis and treatment. When you must render submission in these areas of life you don't consider it degrading to you as a person. You would never think that your employer or your doctor was better than you are and that you were inferior them. In these circumstances you would reason that your submission is a simple necessity for harmony in the work place or necessary for you to gain your health. The same is true for your marriage. True biblical submission in the home will bring harmony and health to your marriage.

I believe the reason why this idea of submission is so abhorrent to many wives is because the concept has been taken out of its biblical context, and this has resulted in many abuses. Therefore, let us go back to Scripture and consider first what submission does not mean. Submission does not mean that you are a second-class Christian or inferior to your husband in any way. Everywhere, Scripture affirms the total equality of a woman with a man. Paul said, "There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus" (Gal. 3:28). For the apostle to make this declaration in the first century was a totally revolutionary statement because women in those days were considered the personal property of their husbands. The Apostle Peter even agreed that wives were equal to their husbands declaring them to be "heirs together of the grace of life" (1 Peter 3:7).

In light of these verses, accusing the apostles of male chauvinism is simply ridiculous. There is no second-class citizenship in the kingdom of God, and neither is a wife inferior to her husband.

Consider also the example of Christ. Paul the Apostle declared that Jesus was "equal with God, but made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a servant...humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death" (Phil. 2:6-8). Jesus obviously did not consider submission to the Father's will as a position of lesser value, and neither should you as you submit to your husband. You can be equal to your husband and in submission to him at the same time.

In addition, submission does not mean that you must be your husband's personal slave. You can't be an equal heir with your husband and be a slave at the same time! Yes, Scripture does teach that all Christians are to "by love serve one another" (Gal. 5:13). But, notice this passage says to serve one another. A truly biblical marriage is revealed when both husband and wife willingly serve each other without being commanded or forced. Love doesn't force but willingly gives. Jesus didn't call His disciples slaves, He called them "friends" (John 15:15), and this is the relationship you should have with your spouse. Friends don't command or force one another to give unquestioned obedience. There are always limits to your submission. Paul taught wives to submit only "as is fitting in the Lord" (Col. 3:18). It is not fitting for your husband to command you as his servant in an unloving way. Nor should you ever submit to a request by your husband to sin or violate God's Word. In these cases you "ought to obey God rather than men" (Acts 5:29).

Now lets look at what submission does mean. Submission is first an attitude of love, respect, and gentleness in the way you speak and act toward your husband. You should also expect to receive this attitude of love and respect from him. Notice Paul's final encouragement to husbands and wives in Ephesians chapter five. He encourages both partners to loving submission when he said, "...let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband" (vs. 33). When you demonstrate love and respect toward your spouse in this manner, you comprehend the essence of what submission is all about.

Yet, submission is much more than just an attitude, it also produces powerful action. Your submission is what renders a death blow to selfishness. Paul declared, "Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God" (Eph. 5:21 KJV). The word submit means to subdue. But, what are you to subdue? Yourself! Self or selfishness is the greatest problem we face in loving and respecting others, especially a spouse. Submission is what destroys selfishness and enables you to give in a way that will bring harmony with your mate. If you refuse to deny yourself through submission, conflict will result in every part of your relationship. James declares that "where envy and self-seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing will be there" (James 3:16). If there is confusion and conflict in your marriage, selfishness will be the cause of the problem every time. Therefore, learning to subdue selfishness through submission is the key to dealing with every evil habit within your marriage.

Similarly, submission means that you must be willing to subdue your desires to rule over and control your husband. God has given him the position as the head and leader within the family. Paul said, "For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church" (Eph. 5:23). This means that he is the one who has the ultimate responsibility for your family before God. The Father requires him to take the leadership role in the family and God will hold him accountable for this responsibility. Now, why would God give the leadership of the family to the man? Doesn't that mean that the wife is inferior to her husband? No, absolutely not! God has not given your husband this position as head of the home because he is superior to you. Remember, you are equal to him in every way. God has only given him this position to bring order and harmony to your marriage and to keep you both from entering into a power struggle for control. Imagine for a moment what your life would be like if you had two heads on your physical body. What confusion this would bring to your life. Likewise, when you selfishly try to become the second head in your home, confusion results, and your marriage loses. A power struggle such as this has no winners, and in a marriage this battle will only bring misery. Instead of seeking control, help him in his decisions and offer your input. Seek to understand your husband, and be a godly example of a woman of strength. If you truly desire harmony in your relationship, abandonment of your selfish desire to control your husband is a must.

5. Be a companion. Did you know that companionship is the ultimate goal of your marriage relationship? When God created Eve it was to solve the problem of Adam's aloneness by bringing him a companion for life. But, the real question is this: how can you experience and grow in companionship with your husband? Companionship is the result of doing all that I have discussed in this article. When you are helpful, become submissive, live in an unselfish manner, pursue understanding, and purpose to be friendly, companionship will be the natural result. Think about it, would you want to be a companion to someone who was critical, selfish, rebellious, and headstrong? Real companionship could never occur in this kind of relationship. However, God has called you to be a very different kind of person with a different attitude; you must become your husband's friend and companion. This is how the prophet, Malachi, referred to wives when he reproved the men of Israel for their lack of caring for their spouses. He warned the men, "The Lord has been witness between you and the wife of your youth, with whom you have dealt treacherously; Yet she is your companion and your wife by covenant" (Mal. 2:14). Companionship is the most fundamental purpose and goal of your marriage relationship, and should, therefore, be the highest priority of your time together each day. God has called you to be a spiritual, emotional, intellectual, social, and sexual companion to your husband. In each of these areas God wants you to seek specific ways to develop companionship, friendship, helpfulness, understanding, and giving. As you love your husband in this manner you will naturally notice the deepening of your one-flesh relationship together. This is also where the joy and satisfaction of your relationship will be found, simply because you are fulfilling God's design and calling for you as a wife.

Is companionship the priority of your daily life with your husband? Are you seeking daily to find ways to become better friends or is it simply easier to seek the companionship of a girlfriend or even another male friend? Both are dangerous and destructive to your marital relationship. Your husband must take priority among all your friends and acquaintances. When you keep him in this position, then the opportunity exists for you to build the companionship you are looking for.

Where is your husband asking for your companionship and are you willing to at least attempt to meet this need? If you are unwilling to meet these needs he has expressed, you are in effect declaring to him your lack of desire for companionship with him. But, you may be thinking; "he doesn't respond to my requests for companionship, why should I seek to meet his needs?" Jesus answered this very common question when He said to His disciples; "Whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets" (Matt. 7:12). In this passage, Jesus explains that if you want others to love and give to you, you must first give this love to them. Christ completely lived by this principle Himself. What He wanted from mankind, He first gave. He wanted men to love Him, so He first loved them. He wanted us to lay our lives down, so He first laid His down. This kind of love is what attracted us to Him and ultimately made us His companions and friends. Won't you take similar steps today to become your husband's companion? You won't regret it!

What Is God's Design And Calling For You As A Wife?

Today, a wife's role within the family is a much debated issue with many contrary views and opinions. One view declares that being a wife in the traditional and biblical sense degrades a woman to an inferior position, while others believe that a wife's role is equal to her husband in every way, a position of great worth and value. Who is right? What should the role of a wife be and how can she practically fulfill this role? Have you ever wondered what God's design is for you in your marriage, and how God wants you to fulfill your calling in a manner that pleases Him?

These are some of the questions that must be answered by a Christian woman if she is to understand and fulfill her essential role within marriage. Therefore, let's look at what the Bible declares about these issues and see what God has called you to be.

1. Be a helper. The very first thing the Bible teaches concerning the role of a wife is that she is to be her husband's helper. After God created Adam He said, "It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him" (Gen. 2:18). This word helper means one who is sent to support and aid another. It is important to note that if God says you are to be a helper, then it stands to reason that your husband needs help. From the beginning, God knew that man alone was incomplete in his abilities to parent and raise a family. He needed the help of another to reproduce and ultimately fulfill all the responsibilities within the family. Woman was created to be his perfect helper to fulfill a special design that only she could accomplish. God created woman with unique emotional, intellectual, and physical abilities to enable her to fulfill her husband's need for help.

But, does this role as your husband's helper mean that you are inferior to him? Doesn't this role as a helper imply a second-class position in the marriage relationship? Not at all! The Scripture reveals that God is our "Helper" and has sent "another Helper" in the person of the Holy Spirit to abide with us forever (Ps. 54:4) (John 14:16). Obviously, God isn't inferior to man simply because He wants to help us. Therefore, neither should you consider your position as helper degrading to your person in any way. On the contrary, you should see your role as one who has come along side of your husband to work with him to meet the needs of your family. Therefore, your marriage should be viewed as if you were participating in a team sport. You must always remember that to be a part of a winning team you need the help of every player or the entire team fails. This is also what makes a winning marriage.

You should also notice that the Father declared that the woman would be comparable to man. God didn't create Eve better than Adam nor did he make her to be inferior to him, but one comparable and equal to him. The word comparable means one who is a counterpart or the other side of a matched pair. Therefore, the woman was created to be the perfect complement to her husband, like two matched gloves, one the counterpart of the other.

To fulfill God's design for you as a wife will entail understanding where and how you can become a complement to your husband. To determine this, you must find out where your husband needs help, support, or your team effort. Finding this need and meeting it is fundamental to experiencing the satisfaction God intends for you as a wife. This need will most likely change from day to day, but God wants to give you eyes to see the

need and a heart to fulfill it. Does your husband need your spiritual encouragement because of some personal struggle occurring at this time in his life? Could he use your counsel over a difficult decision that he is about to make regarding his job or business? Is your husband in need of help with organization at home? You are the best one to help him with this need because you know him better than anyone else, which enables you to be his greatest helper. Remember, Solomon said "Two are better than one...woe to him who is alone" (Ecc. 4:9.10).

2. Be a virtuous wife. The Scripture asks the question "Who can find a virtuous wife?" Then declares "For her worth is far above rubies. The heart of her husband safety trusts her" (Prov. 31:10,11). The word virtuous means one who possesses strength and substance. As you read the rest of Proverbs 31 you learn the characteristics that made her a woman of strength and substance and how these actions greatly affected her marriage. Notice that King Lemuel acknowledges that her worth is far above rubies. The word worth literally means if you had to pay for this kind of service it would be incredibly expensive; far above the cost of rubies. Scripture therefore reveals that a virtuous wife is far from an inferior position in a marriage. You are worth more than his paycheck could sustain!

The strength of a virtuous wife is revealed in her character as well as in the service that she renders toward others. She is very competent and industrious in the affairs of her home so that her husband may safely trust her decisions. Her actions show godly wisdom, and true kindness marks all the choices she makes. This ultimately gains her the praise of her husband and children.

This is the kind of wife God is calling you to be. But, what creates this character, strength, and virtue in your life? The answer is found at the end of this chapter when King Lemuel states "Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised" (Prov. 31:30). Here is where the strength of character comes from; her personal reverence and fear of God. The fear of God is a necessary attitude required for any wife to have the strength of character that will enable her to lead a life pleasing to God. The fear of the Lord is what motivates us to "hate evil" and "perfect holiness" in our personal life (Prov. 8:13) (2 Cor. 7:1).

Do you want to become a virtuous wife? If you do, then you must surrender your life to Christ and ask Him to fill you with this reverent attitude toward the Father. Ask God for a hatred for that evil or sinful habit that captivates you at this moment. Begin to pursue God by seeking Him daily in His Word and petitioning Him for true holiness of heart. As you do, the strength of character and virtue you desire will naturally begin to change your life.

3. Be a prudent wife. Solomon declared that "Houses and riches are an inheritance from fathers, but a prudent wife is from the Lord" (Prov. 19:14). What does it mean to be a prudent wife? The word prudent means one who is wise and understanding. Fathers give the gift of an inheritance in material wealth, but when God desires to give a gift of real worth, He gives a wise and understanding wife. Notice again, a wife is portrayed in Scripture far from being worthless, but compared to the greatest inheritance that could be given by man.

Also, it is interesting that God commands husbands to dwell with their spouses "with understanding, giving honor to the wife as to the weaker vessel" (1 Peter 3:7). But, notice in the previous passage in Proverbs that you are required to be understanding too. These two verses balance each other and encourage both spouses to give one of the most essential qualities for a good marriage; understanding.

Therefore, if God wants you to understand your husband, how do you gain this insight? So often men express to me that their wives don't understand them. How about you, do you understand your husband's needs, his weaknesses, and his strengths? This understanding is what will enable you to be a strong and effective helper and the counterpart your husband needs.

What are some of the possible needs your husband might have, and how would you determine them? The best way to find out what his needs might be is to simply ask him. Why not ask him, "Where can I better meet your needs? Where do I need a greater understanding of you and the pressures you face?" When you ask these kinds of questions, you are immediately bridging the gap between the real differences that exist between you and your spouse.

Men and women differ radically in their make up. You are physically and hormonally different; you communicate differently; you have distinct social and sexual needs; and you both express love very differently. With all these differences you need lots of understanding of the man you married. As you gain this understanding of him you will naturally be brought closer to one another. If you reverse the process and insist on your way all the time, you only make the differences more apparent and widen the gap between you. Therefore, seek to understand your husband and what his real needs are, be willing to give to meet these needs; this is God's design for your marriage.

4. Be a submissive wife. I know for some of you, as you read the word submission, you are becoming very uneasy. If the idea of submission rubs you the wrong way, I want to encourage you to take another look at the definition according to Scripture. Submission should never be considered a word that denotes inferiority or a position that is contemptible to you. If this is your belief, let me assure you that your understanding of this issue is not a biblical one. Submission is something that we all have to learn in every aspect of our lives. You must learn to submit to the laws of this country whether they are traffic laws or our criminal code. If you work outside the home you must submit to your employer and his or her requests. When you went to school you had to learn submission to the teacher when an assignment was given. When you go to the doctor with an illness, you must choose whether or not you will submit to your physician's diagnosis and treatment. When you must render submission in these areas of life you don't consider it degrading to you as a person. You would never think that your employer or your doctor was better than you are and that you were inferior them. In these circumstances you would reason that your submission is a simple necessity for harmony in the work place or necessary for you to gain your health. The same is true for your marriage. True biblical submission in the home will bring harmony and health to your marriage.

I believe the reason why this idea of submission is so abhorrent to many wives is because the concept has been taken out of its biblical context, and this has resulted in many abuses. Therefore, let us go back to Scripture and consider first what submission does not mean. Submission does not mean that you are a second-class Christian or inferior to your husband in any way. Everywhere, Scripture affirms the total equality of a woman with a man. Paul said, "There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus" (Gal. 3:28). For the apostle to make this declaration in the first century was a totally revolutionary statement because women in those days were considered the personal property of their husbands. The Apostle Peter even agreed that wives were equal to their husbands declaring them to be "heirs together of the grace of life" (1 Peter 3:7).

In light of these verses, accusing the apostles of male chauvinism is simply ridiculous. There is no second-class citizenship in the kingdom of God, and neither is a wife inferior to her husband.

Consider also the example of Christ. Paul the Apostle declared that Jesus was "equal with God, but made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a servant...humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death" (Phil. 2:6-8). Jesus obviously did not consider submission to the Father's will as a position of lesser value, and neither should you as you submit to your husband. You can be equal to your husband and in submission to him at the same time.

In addition, submission does not mean that you must be your husband's personal slave. You can't be an equal heir with your husband and be a slave at the same time! Yes, Scripture does teach that all Christians are to "by love serve one another" (Gal. 5:13). But, notice this passage says to serve one another. A truly biblical marriage is revealed when both husband and wife willingly serve each other without being commanded or forced. Love doesn't force but willingly gives. Jesus didn't call His disciples slaves, He called them "friends" (John 15:15), and this is the relationship you should have with your spouse. Friends don't command or force one another to give unquestioned obedience. There are always limits to your submission. Paul taught wives to submit only "as is fitting in the Lord" (Col. 3:18). It is not fitting for your husband to command you as his servant in an unloving way. Nor should you ever submit to a request by your husband to sin or violate God's Word. In these cases you "ought to obey God rather than men" (Acts 5:29).

Now lets look at what submission does mean. Submission is first an attitude of love, respect, and gentleness in the way you speak and act toward your husband. You should also expect to receive this attitude of love and respect from him. Notice Paul's final encouragement to husbands and wives in Ephesians chapter five. He encourages both partners to loving submission when he said, "...let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband" (vs. 33). When you demonstrate love and respect toward your spouse in this manner, you comprehend the essence of what submission is all about.

Yet, submission is much more than just an attitude, it also produces powerful action. Your submission is what renders a death blow to selfishness. Paul declared, "Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God" (Eph. 5:21 KJV). The word submit means to subdue. But, what are you to subdue? Yourself! Self or selfishness is the greatest problem we face in loving and respecting others, especially a spouse. Submission is what destroys selfishness and enables you to give in a way that will bring harmony with your mate. If you refuse to deny yourself through submission, conflict will result in every part of your relationship. James declares that "where envy and self-seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing will be there" (James 3:16). If there is confusion and conflict in your marriage, selfishness will be the cause of the problem every time. Therefore, learning to subdue selfishness through submission is the key to dealing with every evil habit within your marriage.

Similarly, submission means that you must be willing to subdue your desires to rule over and control your husband. God has given him the position as the head and leader within the family. Paul said, "For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church" (Eph. 5:23). This means that he is the one who has the ultimate responsibility for your family before God. The Father requires him to take the leadership role in the family and God will hold him accountable for this responsibility. Now, why would God give the leadership of the family to the man? Doesn't that mean that the wife is inferior to her husband? No, absolutely not! God has not given your husband this position as head of the home because he is superior to you. Remember, you are equal to him in every way. God has only given him this position to bring order and harmony to your marriage and to keep you both from entering into a power struggle for control. Imagine for a moment what your life would be like if you had two heads on your physical body. What confusion this would bring to your life. Likewise, when you selfishly try to become the second head in your home, confusion results, and your marriage loses. A power struggle such as this has no winners, and in a marriage this battle will only bring misery. Instead of seeking control, help him in his decisions and offer your input. Seek to understand your husband, and be a godly example of a woman of strength. If you truly desire harmony in your relationship, abandonment of your selfish desire to control your husband is a must.

5. Be a companion. Did you know that companionship is the ultimate goal of your marriage relationship? When God created Eve it was to solve the problem of Adam's aloneness by bringing him a companion for life. But, the real question is this: how can you experience and grow in companionship with your husband? Companionship is the result of doing all that I have discussed in this article. When you are helpful, become submissive, live in an unselfish manner, pursue understanding, and purpose to be friendly, companionship will be the natural result. Think about it, would you want to be a companion to someone who was critical, selfish, rebellious, and headstrong? Real companionship could never occur in this kind of relationship. However, God has called you to be a very different kind of person with a different attitude; you must become your husband's friend and companion. This is how the prophet, Malachi, referred to wives when he reproved the men of Israel for their lack of caring for their spouses. He warned the men, "The Lord has been witness between you and the wife of your youth, with whom you have dealt treacherously; Yet she is your companion and your wife by covenant" (Mal. 2:14). Companionship is the most fundamental purpose and goal of your marriage relationship, and should, therefore, be the highest priority of your time together each day. God has called you to be a spiritual, emotional, intellectual, social, and sexual companion to your husband. In each of these areas God wants you to seek specific ways to develop companionship, friendship, helpfulness, understanding, and giving. As you love your husband in this manner you will naturally notice the deepening of your one-flesh relationship together. This is also where the joy and satisfaction of your relationship will be found, simply because you are fulfilling God's design and calling for you as a wife.

Is companionship the priority of your daily life with your husband? Are you seeking daily to find ways to become better friends or is it simply easier to seek the companionship of a girlfriend or even another male friend? Both are dangerous and destructive to your marital relationship. Your husband must take priority among all your friends and acquaintances. When you keep him in this position, then the opportunity exists for you to build the companionship you are looking for.

Where is your husband asking for your companionship and are you willing to at least attempt to meet this need? If you are unwilling to meet these needs he has expressed, you are in effect declaring to him your lack of desire for companionship with him. But, you may be thinking; "he doesn't respond to my requests for companionship, why should I seek to meet his needs?" Jesus answered this very common question when He said to His disciples; "Whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets" (Matt. 7:12). In this passage, Jesus explains that if you want others to love and give to you, you must first give this love to them. Christ completely lived by this principle Himself. What He wanted from mankind, He first gave. He wanted men to love Him, so He first loved them. He wanted us to lay our lives down, so He first laid His down. This kind of love is what attracted us to Him and ultimately made us His companions and friends. Won't you take similar steps today to become your husband's companion? You won't regret it!

What It Means To Love Your Spouse

Have you ever thought about what you mean when you say the words, I love you to your spouse? In counseling people regularly declare their love for their mate. However, if the person making this profession of love is struggling in their marriage I usually ask them to define the word love for me. I ask for this definition because I have found that many couples struggle with loving each other in two ways. The first is that they usually don’t understand the practical actions that are involved in loving another. The second problem is much worse. Once a person knows how to love their mate, they simply choose not to act on this knowledge. This failure to walk in love is the most common cause of problems in a marriage. Therefore, test your knowledge of what it means to love and determine if you are behaving in a manner that is helping or hindering your relationship.
Why is this examination of your behavior so important? It’s very simple. The way in which you love your mate will directly affect the way he or she will love you. Jesus said, "Whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them" (Matt. 7:12). Therefore, if you want your spouse to sincerely love you, you first must be actively loving your mate. You may already be thinking, But he or she is not loving me. That may be true, but your only responsibility before God is to deal with your own behavior. You can’t change your spouse, but you can influence them by how you behave. Ask yourself if you love in this manner.

The attributes of love:

1. Giving love. One of the most important characteristics of true love is that it gives. Jesus explained to Nicodemus that "God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life" (John 3:16). God loved us so much that He gave us His most precious gift, His Son. God continues to love us by pouring His blessings upon us day after day. Giving is the foundation of true love. Consider, are you the giver in your relationship or are you the one expecting to receive?

One of the greatest complaints that I hear in marriage counseling is one partner telling me that he or she is doing the majority of the giving and their mate is simply sitting back and enjoying all the benefits. If this is the case in your marriage, do you realize that you are draining the life and love right out of your relationship? When a spouse declares, "I feel drained and empty. I don’t have any more to give," then I know that there is not an equality of giving love within that marriage. One person is doing the majority of the giving and the other is just taking. One-sided giving cannot continue indefinitely! Why? Because one day the spouse doing most of the giving will realize that giving is a two way street and he or she doesn’t see a lot of traffic coming the other way. Resentment begins to build and the giving spouse stops putting out. At this point, the relationship begins to deteriorate.

If you are the taker in your marriage, you’ve got to make a major turn around in your behavior. If you truly love your mate you’ll remember what Jesus said: "It is more blessed to give than to receive" (Acts 20:35). Only by learning to give will you experience the blessedness Jesus described in this passage.

2. Sacrificial love. Love by definition must be sacrificial to be true love. In the Old Testament when God asked for an unblemished animal to be offered to Him on the altar, it was to be the best sheep or goat (Num. 18:29-30). The people were not allowed to give an animal that was sick or diseased (Lev. 22:20-24; Mal. 1:8). To give their best animal would have been a true financial sacrifice for them. This is exactly how God gave His love to you. Do you realize that you were redeemed by the unblemished and holy Son of God? Peter declared, "You were not redeemed with corruptible things, like silver or gold, from your aimless conduct ... but with the precious blood of Christ, as of a lamb without blemish and without spot" (1 Peter 1:18-19). If God sacrificially gave His best because He loved you, how can you give back to Him anything less? How can you love others with anything less than with this kind of sacrificial love (1 John 3:16)?

But, what hinders sacrificial love in a relationship? It’s selfishness. Living selfishly will always motivate a person to withhold love and seek his or her own benefit and ease. As you seek your own interests first it will inevitably lead to strife in your relationship (James 3:16).

In addition, living selfishly will bar you from ever knowing the joy of sacrificial love. Remember, the Scripture declared of Christ’s sacrifice, "Who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross" (Heb. 12:2). Have you ever experienced the joy and satisfaction of sacrificial giving that has no ulterior motive? If you have, live this same way at home with your mate.

3. Serving love. True sacrificial giving will also inspire loving service to your spouse. Paul encouraged all believers that we should by "love serve one another" (Gal. 5:13). Therefore, if you love your spouse, how are you serving him or her in practical ways?

All service begins with putting another first, which is the definition of a servant (Luke 17:7-8). If both husband and wife are seeking to serve the other, there will be no room for the "me first" attitude that develops in so many marriages. Jesus pointed out to His own disciples that they could never effectively serve Him if they considered their own needs first (Luke 9:59; 61). Therefore, who has the first position in your marriage, you or your mate? Putting your mate first is what Paul meant when he said, "Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another" (Rom. 12:10). The word preference means to take the lead in loving others. In other words, you should take the first step to love and serve. Is this your daily behavior?

In addition, serving must always be very practical. John declared that we should not "love in word or in tongue, but in deed and in truth" (1 John 3:18). Therefore, how are you serving your spouse in deed and truth? Do you help when your service is required in the yard or around the house? Are you willing to help with the laundry or the children’s baths? If asked will you do an errand for your mate just for the sake of love? If not, your profession of love is very shallow. Don’t be lazy and think that service is for everyone else but you.

4. Love freely given. One of the most misunderstood aspects of marital love is the fact that true love is totally voluntary, unforced, and free of manipulation or control. God declared that this was the way He loved His people when He promised, "I will heal their backsliding, I will love them freely" (Hos. 14:4). The word freely in this verse means voluntarily. In other words, God is explaining that His love can’t be forced or manipulated by others and that He has chosen to love His people for His own reasons. Jesus said the same thing about the love that motivated Him to go to the cross. "Therefore My Father loves Me, because I lay down My life that I may take it again. No one takes it from Me, but I lay it down of Myself" (John 10:17-18). Jesus was declaring that no one was controlling His decisions. He was voluntarily giving up His life because He loved us.

Why is this aspect of your love so important to maintaining your relationship? Because many husbands and wives tell me that they have fallen out of love with their mate and at the same time declare that they have a controlling, manipulating, pressuring, nagging, jealous, or clingy spouse. All of these behaviors destroy the voluntary nature of love. Couples also relate to me that when they first dated and became engaged they did so out of a voluntary choice, but now all they sense is force or control strangling the desire to love.

If you are the spouse that is attempting to control, let me say to you that this manipulation is destroying the very love that you are attempting to keep or renew. Love must always be given out of a free choice by the one loving. The more you seek to force, manipulate, and control your mate, the less you will be loved.

If you have fallen into this trap, ask your mate’s forgiveness and return to loving freely without nagging and control. Seek your mate’s best interest and encourage activities that promote freedom and trust. If you can’t seem to give up these behaviors, you should seek personal counseling for yourself.

5. Submissive love. It is important to note that before Paul commanded a wife to submit to her husband or a husband to love his wife, he commands both to submit to each other. All should be "submitting to one another in the fear of God" (Eph. 5:21). Why? Because mutual submission is a necessity for all relationships including marriage. Likewise, Peter commanded, "All of you be submissive to one another, and be clothed with humility, for ‘God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble’ " (1 Peter 5:5). Note that Peter also associates humility with all believers being submissive to each other. In reality, it is only a prideful and independent attitude that refuses to seek a solution and common ground with others.

How can you tell if you are unsubmissive? Does your mate tell you that you are not receptive to hear his or her opinions or ideas? Do you make independent financial or parenting decisions that create conflict in your marriage? Have you been told that you are verbally harsh when conversing? Are you unwilling to compromise over minor issues of disagreement? If so, these are unloving and unsubmissive behaviors that will only hinder you and your spouse growing together in love. Take the opportunity today and acknowledge your fault before God and your spouse. Ask Him for that submissive heart towards your spouse.  

6. Supporting love. Why is it that many marriages seem to degenerate into a competition between two people who should be supporting each other? It is simply because one or both partners do not sense that the other truly loves them. They don’t perceive that their spouse has their best interests at heart. This is not the Scripture’s definition of a loving relationship. The apostle Paul instructs: "I have shown you in every way, by laboring like this, that you must support the weak. And remember the words of the Lord Jesus, that He said, 'It is more blessed to give than to receive’" (Acts 20:35). The important words in this passage are laboring, give, and support. The word support means to get involved in a task by picking up the other end of an object being carried. What a clear illustration of supporting love. In other words, to love someone you must support them by bearing their burden, not competing with them. Is this the way you see your marriage relationship? Are you supporting one another or fighting over who is directing the show?

David declared that this is how God treated him when he was on the run from Saul. "He delivered me from my strong enemy, from those who hated me, for they were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my calamity, but the LORD was my support" (Ps. 18:17-18).

If you are in competition with your mate for control over who will have the last word in a discussion or who dominates decision-making, you will forfeit any sense of support and companionship. You must remember that you are both the support beams in one family. You hold the entire household together by working with and supporting each other. You are one flesh, (Gen. 2:24)! Don’t miss out on the strength and wisdom of your most important support person in life.

7. Kind love. Quite often when couples come into my office for marriage counseling they will sit in front of me and begin to speak to each other in the most rude, harsh, and critical manner. I will immediately stop them and ask if they truly want to reconcile and renew their love for each other. They almost always declare, "Oh yes, we desperately want to reconcile." I then explain that their unkindness to each other is completely contradictory to this stated desire.

Do you understand that unkind words or behavior is in effect the same as if you shouted, "I don’t love you!" in their face? Paul declared that love is "patient and kind" (1 Cor. 13:4). Your display of kindness towards others proves that your heart is caring, tender, and forgiving (Eph. 4:32). God also directly associates His mercy with kindness. David said, "His merciful kindness is great toward us" (Ps. 117:2). Is your tender merciful kindness great toward your spouse? It should be!

Solomon commanded husbands: "What is desired in a man is kindness" (Prov. 19:22). To wives: "She opens her mouth with wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness" (Prov. 31:26).

Is the law of kindness controlling your tongue? Do your deeds communicate your patient affection for your loved one? You must be "kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love" (Rom. 12:10). Kindness expresses affection in a very real and practical way that will draw you not only into brotherly love but marital love as well.

8. Understanding love. Another complaint I regularly hear from couples is the lack of understanding in their marriage. A husband gets exasperated at his wife when she is upset because he doesn’t help around the house after he comes home from work. He does not understand that she has also been working all day and needs his help. Another example is a wife who has little compassion for her husband when he loses his job, not understanding that he senses an enormous pressure to be the provider for his family. Do you sense this lack of understanding from your spouse? Is there anything you can do to change this deficiency?

The first thing that is important to note is that the Scriptures teach that spouses can change. Peter told husbands to dwell with their wives with "understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered" (1 Peter 3:7). Scripture also teaches that Abigail was "a woman of good understanding" (1 Sam. 25:3). In both passages God reveals how essential understanding is for a good relationship and how capable both partners are to possess it.

Second, you must realize that understanding is simply thoughtfulness, concern, and a supportiveness that comes from love. It is the fruit of perceiving your mate’s needs and hurts and being willing to show compassion and encouragement. The word understanding literally means to know by investigation. Therefore, if you truly want to love and understand your spouse, you must investigate what he or she thinks, feels, hopes, and fears. Then you must act on this knowledge in a compassionate way that brings assurance to your spouse of your care and support.

God’s understanding and knowledge of the children of Israel’s plight in Egypt motivated Him to act on their behalf and brought assurance and comfort to the Jewish nation. Remember what God said to Moses? "I have surely seen the oppression of My people who are in Egypt, and have heard their cry because of their taskmasters, for I know their sorrows. So I have come down to deliver them out of the hand of the Egyptians, and to bring them up from that land to ... a land flowing with milk and honey... Now therefore, behold, the cry of the children of Israel has come to Me, and I have also seen the oppression with which the Egyptians oppress them" (Ex. 3:7-9). God revealed by His words that He truly understood the suffering of His people and He was ready to help.

If you truly understand your mate’s needs and struggles, you too will demonstrate this understanding by helpful actions that deliver them from their hardship or suffering. Determine today specific ways that you can show your mate that you are a man or woman with an understanding heart.

9. Laboring love. To demonstrate true love you need to take practical actions that constantly reveal your love. However, marriage partners are usually waiting for the other spouse to do what is required first. Many fail to aggressively take action that will prove their love because they are reserved or shy. Others simply don’t care enough to serve. John encouraged all believers to not wait to be loved, but to take the initiative. This is the Golden Rule (Matt. 7:12). If you don’t want your words to be regarded as insincere, then show your love by what you do. Truth is always revealed by your deeds.

When Paul praised the church at Thessalonica he remembered their "work of faith, labor of love, and patience of hope in our Lord Jesus Christ" (1 Thess. 1:3). The apostle knew that true faith would always work, that sincere love would always labor, and that confident hope would always be patient. These are the sure characteristics of a person who loves God and others.

Do you truly love your spouse? If you do, how are you laboring to make his or her life easier? I’m not talking about the words you profess. What are you doing to enhance and develop your companionship with your mate? Are you instigating conversation to show you truly care about your relationship? Do you suggest a weekly date or do you wait for your mate to bring up the subject? Do you initiate recreational activities, revealing that you enjoy your mate’s company? These are just some of the ways you must labor to show your love towards your spouse.

10. Gentle love. When you consider the topic of love do you connect love with gentleness? Many do not understand this attribute of love. However, Paul associated these two qualities together many times. He asked the Corinthians if they wanted him to come to them with "a rod, or in love and a spirit of gentleness" (1 Cor. 4:21). Paul also encouraged the Ephesian church to walk in "all lowliness and gentleness, with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love" (Eph. 4:2). In other words, love is seen in a humble, gentle, and longsuffering attitude. Peter also encouraged wives to display the "beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God" (1 Peter 3:4). Is gentleness precious in your sight?

Does gentleness characterize the way you speak and behave toward your spouse? Or, are you sarcastic, critical, or abusive? The lack of gentleness is one of the most overlooked causes of marital disharmony. Ask God today for His gentle love to fill your heart!

11. Forgiving love. Another fundamental cause of a deteriorating love in marriage is an unwillingness to forgive. When you have unresolved issues in your marriage there will naturally be unforgiveness in your heart. When you allow one or more of these counterfeit types of love to exist in your relationship, conflicts will result. If you don’t forgive and instead hold onto resentment, your heart will only grow hard and the distance in your relationship will only increase. Sincere love can’t exist in this kind of relationship. Why? Because true love always seeks reconciliation and forgiveness (John 3:16). God loved you so much that He sought to reconcile and forgive you by sending His Son to die in your place. The apostle John added: "Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another" (1 John 4:11).

Are you loving your spouse the same way you have been loved by God? Choose to forgive and seek reconciliation with your spouse just as the Father has with you. Remember Christ’s command: "Whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses" (Mark 11:25). Don’t wait! Choose to love by forgiving today. Ask God to open your eyes to your own sin and how much He has forgiven you. Then do the same with your spouse.

If you don’t sense that you have this forgiving heart or any of the other characteristics I’ve discussed in this publication, the place to begin is prayer. If you are a believer, confess your need before God and ask Him for the infilling of His Holy Spirit. "The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control" (Gal. 5:22-23. Remember, it’s God’s good pleasure to give to you whatever you need to live a successful and fruitful life. Jesus promised, "Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened" (Matt. 7:7-8). If you want real love and not some counterfeit in your marriage, ask the Lord right now for a change of heart and He will give it to you.

If you have never made a commitment of your life to Christ, you must first begin by surrendering to Him. Ask God to forgive you and personally invite Jesus to come into your heart by faith. This is the only way you can have the power to do what I’ve just encouraged in this publication. God will answer your request for forgiveness and He will grant to you the power of His love. Bow before Him in prayer and watch what happens!

Finding Hope When Your Relationship Is Struggling

Is your marriage in a difficult place right now? Are you battling over a never-ending list of conflicts? Do you sense a distance between you and your spouse? Where do you find hope in times like these?

Throughout the many years of counseling with couples I have found that hope is an essential ingredient to sustain any relationship through difficult times. Without hope couples become frustrated in their attempt to resolve difficult issues. When despair sets in, the relationship becomes stagnant. Some couples give up entirely and seek separation and even divorce. Therefore, it is critical that you personally find hope and that you encourage your spouse to become hopeful.

How can you find hope?

1. Seek the God of hope. Seeking the Lord may sound very simplistic, but it is the best place to begin if you want change in any heart attitude. The most important truth to understand is that you must first be changed if you want your marriage to change. A marital relationship is only as good as the two Christians in it. Therefore, you need to seek the God of hope to come and fill you with His Spirit so that His hope and peace will fill your heart. Paul prayed for this very thing for the believers at Rome: "Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit" (Rom. 15:13). Therefore, a wise first step in finding hope for the struggles in your marriage is to seek the God of hope.

Many times when couples come for counseling they tell me that they have tried all kinds of books, seminars, and programs looking for help in their marriage. I usually ask them, "But, have you sought God for His help and direction?" Many have told me that they are far from God and are not really seeking Him as they know they should. I encourage them that seeking the Lord with all their heart is where hope and healing begins.

How about you? Are you willing to ask the Lord for the power of His Spirit to fill your heart with hope? Will you seek His direction to resolve the issues between you? When you finish reading this article, will you invite your spouse to pray with you and ask the Lord for His forgiveness and His intervention in your marriage? If you seek the Lord, you will find Him. Listen to God’s promise: "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart" (Jer. 29:11-13).

If you are reading this article and you are not a Christian at this time, then my encouragement for you is to also seek the Lord for His forgiveness and invite Christ into your life. Will you consider that God has a solution for your marriage? He is the One who created you and the institution of marriage and He knows how it works best. But, to obtain God’s help in your marriage you must first have a relationship with Him. If you are willing to seek God’s help and the hope He wants to give, here is what you should do. Acknowledge to the Father that you believe that He is real and that He sent Jesus to die on the cross for your sins. Humble yourself before Him and ask God to forgive you and invite Jesus to come in and take over your life. Jesus said, "Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened" (Matt. 7:7-8). If you sense your need for God’s forgiveness and help then ask Him now!

2.  Seek hope in His Word. The second way you can begin to find hope is to open up the New Testament and begin to read God’s Word. Why is reading the Word of God important to finding the hope God wants to give? Because God’s Word guides you to change your behavior, which will then change your marriage. Paul explained the power of God’s word to give hope when he wrote, "For whatever things were written before were written for our learning, that we through the patience and comfort of the Scriptures might have hope" (Rom. 15:4). Therefore, the Scriptures will give you the comfort and instruction you need in specific attitudes and behaviors that must change. As you follow God’s commands He naturally gives you hope, because you will see the beneficial changes in your own life and then in your relationship.

If you have walked with the Lord for any length of time and you have read the Scriptures extensively, you need to go back and look more closely to determine what truths you may have neglected. Many know what the Bible declares but have failed to apply and implement these truths into their lives. If you realize that you are failing to be obedient to God’s commands make a list of the areas where you are failing. Then ask God for the grace to begin taking the actions necessary to change. Hope will begin to fill your heart.

3. What has God already done? In addition to making the personal changes necessary to bring hope to your heart, stop now and remember what the Lord has already done in your life. Can you think of other difficult times and situations that God has resolved in your personal life or your marriage? If the Lord has saved you and set you free from deeply rooted sinful habits, He can also deliver you from the selfish habits you have formed in your marriage. If the Lord brought you out of darkness into His marvelous light so that you could know the truth, He can also reveal the truth today that is necessary to change your marital relationship. If He has satisfied your life personally can’t God do the same in your marriage? When David was in total anguish of soul over the success of ungodly men, notice what he did to find hope: "But I will remember the years of the right hand of the Most High. I will remember the works of the LORD; Surely I will remember Your wonders of old. I will also meditate on all Your work, and talk of Your deeds" (Ps. 77:10-12). Take a moment now and remember His mighty deeds in your life and meditate on His power that changed and set you free.

But, you may be wondering how simply meditating on God’s past works could fill you with hope. By remembering what God has done you are fixing your eyes on His ability. Paul encouraged the Ephesian believers to remember that God "is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us" (Eph. 3:20). Do you believe that His power is at work inside you right now? You need this kind of faith as you seek hope in your marriage. Remember, whatever God requires you to do He will enable you to do. Paul declared: "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Phil. 4:13). You too can do all that God requires of you, if you will just allow Him to work inside your heart. 

4. Look at other couples. When couples come for counseling I often tell them the stories of other couples that I have counseled who have dramatically restored their relationships (of course, keeping their identities anonymous). I tell these distraught couples about marriages that were much worse off than their present situation and explain how these individuals turned it all around. Stories like these are a tremendous source of hope. God gives us the example of others to help us see that godly behavior is truly possible. Paul said of himself and those who worked with him, we "make ourselves an example of how you should follow us" (2 Thess. 3:9).

I would encourage you to look around you and I can assure you that there are marriages right in your own church that have had awesome and powerful restorations. Ask your friends if God has taken their marriages through difficult times. I’m sure you will find many such stories that will give you hope.

5. Hope comes from patience. When Paul encouraged the believers in Thessalonica he declared, "We give thanks to God always for you all, making mention of you in our prayers, remembering without ceasing your work of faith, labor of love, and patience of hope in our Lord Jesus Christ" (1 Thess. 1:2-3). Notice that Paul connected faith, love and patience of hope together in this passage. Patience will naturally result in any heart that loves and believes in the Lord. If you love your spouse you will also be patient with their faults. Paul declared that "love is patient and kind" (1 Cor. 13:4). But, how does patience inspire hope? Notice that Paul taught that patience is the primary characteristic of love and that love hopes all things (1 Cor. 13:7). When you are lovingly patient with your spouse it is because you are hopeful that change is possible. God has patience with you because He is hopeful you can change. You must show that same patience with your spouse. You will also be patiently hopeful because you understand that no one changes quickly. Jesus even acknowledged that the disciples were "slow of heart to believe" (Luke 24:25). I think you would agree we are all slow of heart to believe and obey.

However, despair can result from two basic misconceptions. First, many lose hope because they have the unrealistic expectation that change will come quickly to their mate. This is simply impatience. We all want what we want, yesterday. We don’t like to have to wait for anything. Many of us get impatient when the microwave isn’t heating our food fast enough, even though it may be ten times quicker than a conventional oven. Don’t let impatience rob you of your hope.

Second, many lose hope because their spouse isn’t turning out as a carbon copy of themselves. It is unrealistic to believe that your spouse is going to become just like you. You can’t expect that God will change your non-verbal spouse into a talkative individual, or the other way around. It is unrealistic to think that a homebody is all of a sudden going to become adventurous. You can’t expect God to change your mate so they like everything you like. You must base your expectations on the Word of God. Use His promises and commands to adjust your expectations correctly.

For example, God promised the Children of Israel that they would return to their land. After giving them this promise God spoke these words: "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope" (Jer. 29:10-11). The word hope is translated "expectation" several places in Scripture. Your expectation is what you hope for and desire. God’s promise was to be the basis of the people’s hope. Consequently, if your expectations are incorrectly based on your own desires then you will naturally lose hope because these expectations will not be fulfilled.

Therefore, examine your expectations to be sure they are in accordance with the promises of God. Where your expectations are unrealistic you need to adjust them. Where your expectations are correct, you need the patience of hope. Ask the Lord right now to adjust your expectations and to give you His longsuffering.



How can you encourage your spouse to be more hopeful?

If you are the partner who has caused your spouse to lose hope because of your resistance to change, then you have got some work to do. Hope for change always has two sides to the equation. What can you do to bring hope to your mate’s heart?

1. Concentrate on actions. How do your actions create hope in your spouse? Let me give you an example. I spoke with a man several years ago who was separated from his wife. He said to me, "My wife has given up on our marriage. I know I’ve promised to change and have not followed through with my promised action one too many times. She has no hope that things will ever change." I told this man, "Your spouse has got to see some proof that you mean what you say. She must see action, not hear more words. Even a small change will give her hope."

What is it about concrete behavioral changes that give a person hope? Actions are real and tangible proof that a person can see. Words are just breath in the air until you do something practical. We have hope in the Lord’s words of promise because of the actions that followed. Notice what Peter declared concerning why we have faith and hope in God. Speaking of Jesus he said: "He indeed was foreordained before the foundation of the world, but was manifest in these last times for you who through Him believe in God, who raised Him from the dead and gave Him glory, so that your faith and hope are in God" (1 Peter 1:20-21). Our faith and hope are in God because He promised to send the Messiah and He actually did it. Here was tangible proof of His love. But, the Father not only sent His Son but allowed Him to be put to death and then raised Him to life again fulfilling scores of prophecies. These were all concrete actions. Therefore, when God makes any promise you can put your faith and hope in Him to do what He says.

If you want to inspire your spouse to believe that change is possible, follow God’s example and be a man or a woman of your word. Jesus declared that He didn’t want His disciples to become like the Pharisees. Why? One characteristic of these religious men were that they were not men of their word. Jesus taught, "Therefore whatever they tell you to observe, that observe and do, but do not do according to their works; for they say, and do not do" (Matt. 23:3). The reason Jesus was so hard on the Pharisees was because they were hypocrites. One of the most hypocritical and offensive things you can do is to not keep your word. Therefore, when you make a promise to your spouse, ask God for the self-discipline and the grace to follow through with your promise. Increased hope will always be the result. If you need help with self-discipline in your life see chapter 19 in my book Married and How To Stay That Way.

2.  Seek character changes. Real and lasting change in anyone’s life will always entail growth in your moral character. Issues such as: explosive anger, selfishness, pride, drug or alcohol abuse, lying, lack of self-discipline, or unfaithfulness are all character issues. These and other character flaws must be corrected if you want to inspire hope in your spouse. These are examples of the concrete behavioral issues I spoke of in the previous point.

How does God change your character? Change begins when you acknowledge the flaws in your moral character and ask the Lord’s forgiveness (Jer. 3:12-13). By humbling yourself in this manner your heart has taken the first step in dealing with the root issues in your character, not just the issues of external behavior. Real behavioral changes will always begin in your heart (Matt. 15:19). Then as you invite the Lord to come and transform you, He then floods you with the Holy Spirit who causes these desires and deeds of the flesh to die within you. The Spirit also renews your heart and mind empowering you to do the things you should. Therefore, express to the Lord that you want to put off your sinful behaviors and invite Him to replace them with the character qualities of love, giving, humility, self-control, and truthfulness (Col. 3:5-10). When your spouse sees these character qualities in you, he or she will naturally begin to hope that a better relationship is ahead.

3. Look for creative solutions. Finding lasting practical solutions in every marriage requires a couple to humbly acknowledge that they need God’s wisdom. Many of the solutions you seek, with respect to your differences, are not going to be directly spelled out in Scripture. This means that you will need to use the principles in Scripture and apply them to the specific problem. Finding these practical solutions will require wisdom from God. Wisdom is the application of knowledge to the specific problem you are having. How can you find this wisdom? You need to pray. James encouraged all believers: "If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him" (James 1:5). Again, this is why you need to be seeking the Lord with your spouse for His help.

Therefore, have you asked God for the wisdom you need? Are you willing to compromise and yield up what you consider as your rights, to find harmony in those difficult issues of your marriage? Notice what James also said was the fruit of God’s wisdom: "Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show by good conduct that his works are done in the meekness of wisdom. But if you have bitter envy and self-seeking in your hearts, do not boast and lie against the truth. This wisdom does not descend from above, but is earthly, sensual, demonic. For where envy and self-seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing are there. But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy. Now the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace" (James 3:13-18).

Do you have the meekness of God’s wisdom that enables you to be willing to yield? If so, then you will see the fruit of peace in your relationship. If not, ask Him now for His meekness.

4. Become a giver. One of the biggest misconceptions in relationships is that we usually expect others to give to us before we give to them. In reality, this thinking is backwards according to Jesus. Here is what Jesus taught: "First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye" (Matt. 7:5). "Whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them" (Matt. 7:12). "Give, and it will be given to you: good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over will be put into your bosom. For with the same measure that you use, it will be measured back to you" (Luke 6:38). Therefore, if you want your spouse to be gentle and speak respectfully to you, you should first speak respectfully to them. If you want your mate to be thoughtful and giving, shouldn’t you be considerate and generous? If you desire your loved one to be willing to compromise when there is a difference of opinion, you should show your willingness to adjust your desires as well. In other words, you can’t expect your mate to do what you are unwilling to do!

5. Be gracious. Being gracious with your spouse is so important because we all have failed and will fail to some degree in fulfilling our responsibilities as husbands and wives. Becoming gracious will always give your spouse hope. You experience hope in the fact that you know your Heavenly Father is gracious, forgiving, and accepting of you even when you fall short. Notice that Paul found hope in: "Our Lord Jesus Christ Himself, and our God and Father, who has loved us and given us everlasting consolation and good hope by grace" (2 Thess. 2:16).

You can demonstrate this graciousness to your spouse as you willingly forgive when the next conflict occurs. Jesus said: "Judge not, and you shall not be judged. Condemn not, and you shall not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven" (Luke 6:37). Don’t judge and condemn, but forgive! Forgiveness strengthens your bond of love; condemnation only drives you further apart.

You can also demonstrate your graciousness by the way you speak to your spouse. Paul declared: "Let your speech always be with grace" (Col. 4:6). Gracious words are revealed in your tone of voice, in the gentle words you choose, in your patient listening, and with your calm demeanor. Remember, if you want this grace to be given to you, then you must first give this grace to your spouse! "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when the desire comes, it is a tree of life" (Prov. 13:12).

Beloved, pray and ask God for His hope to flood your heart to believe that your marriage can be restored. He also wants to show you what actions you should take that would encourage hope in your spouse. Come right now to the God of hope and let Him fill you with hope, as you trust in Him!